Greenprice International has announced a series of layoffs which could cut staff around the world by fifty percent or more.
The Amsterdim-based multinational corporation, which assumed political control of the planet's garbage, effluent, and whales in the late 1970's, says that it can no longer justify the thousands of employees who "breathe too much and eat too much".
"Eating, excreting and exhaling are destroying the planet", said Henedikt Baerlin, a top executive at Greenprice. "These ex-employees will do that anyway, but not on our payroll."
Baerlin was quick to point out that the layoffs would not effect the functions of its ecology-minded public relations arm. "These measures will not reduce our fund-raising efforts", he said. "We still have programs desperately short of money, such as those to combat obesity in Uganda."
"We're laying off our entire staff in Uganda", he added. "But they're starving anyhow, which is good for the planet, and it reduces their risk of cancer."
Baerlin denied that the cutbacks resulted from a decision by the Coal Digger's Foundation (CDF) to drop its support for Greenprice.
The CDF withdrew its financial backing when Greenprice reversed its anti-nuclear policy and, in concert with Hal Bore, sent protesters to Botswana to demand "CO2-Free" mining of yellow-cake uranium ore.
"Uranium is all-natural and completely free of CO2 pollutants", Baerlin said. "We urge the Coal Digger's Foundation to act in solidarity with the minorities in Botswana who want to dig uranium".
