Cable: "I had time machine"

Funny story written by dannline

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

image for Cable: "I had time machine"
Time is on side of Liberal Democrat Vince

Vince Cable revealed yesterday he pin-points his economic advice using a time machine.

Arriving late at a Reform thinktank conference in the City yesterday, the Liberal Democrat chief honcho stated: "Even with my time machine, I couldn't defeat the snow.

"As I have let the cat out of the bag, I might as well let the cat into the field."

Dr Cable admitted the truth of the time machine "was eating me inside".

"I simply use Liberal Democrat technology to travel to the future, buy books I will have written about the crisis and repeat those warnings.

"To be honest I am disappointed by my future writing style and the over-reliance of text speak, but in 2014 all books by law, a Liberal Democrat law at that, have to be accessible, isn't it."

He divulged he knew of the nationalisation of Northern Rock in 2005 and had made warnings.

"It was the same with the house price bubble. No-one would listen until it was too late. I actually will get quite angry about that in future," he said, warning Will Hutton not to knock over his glass of water just before it dropped.

At that moment, a second Vince Cable from the future entered the auditorium, wearing a cape.

"Stop, don't tell them about Oslo. I come from that future and the effects are immeasurable," Mr Cable told Mr Cable.

"I know I was too late to stop you telling about Ashdown's machine. But they will say you got too chilly in the snow."

"OK Vince," Cable replied to his future self.

"Also, you aren't gay so if you come out of the closet you'll end up having to live with it as you won't be able to backtrack when you are president," Dr Cable added.

"And it's fine to get laser eye corrective surgery."

"Well, Oslo is off the agenda," the current Cable said.

With that, the future Cable disappeared in a puff of logic.

Mr Cable went on to explain the Lib Dems have had the time machine since 1998, when Paddy Ashdown, the former leader, had stolen secret military technology.

When questioned why the Liberal Democrats had not moved to act on major disasters such as 9/11, Dr Cable said: "Originally there were 12 planes.

"And you can't share this sort of technology with the Americans."

He added he had tried to assassinate Hitler, but ended up killing his own grandmother.

"The big danger now is Oslo, but I can't tell you about that."

The conference then moved on discuss quantitative easing.

"It'll be dodgy at first, but then the Bank of England will get it right in the end."

As the debate was opened up to questions from the audience, Dr Cable stated: "No, yes, three terms, with milk, five Bond films but the last is very poor, and that microphone isn't turned on.

"Sorry, really annoying I know. My wife hates it."

A Liberal Democrat spokesman later said: "After being caught in the snow, Vince got a bit chilly and went a bit off on one. Sorry.

"He has some sweet tea and a hot water bottle and will be fine."

He denied the Liberal Democrats were being bankrolled by gambling winnings.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more