Analysts video-conferenced in December 2007 to predict 1st quarter financials for Nokia. Using the WAG & Delphi methods, an odd dozen of post-grad business twits convened the night before Christmas.
Twembley (cum laude Oxon. '99) organized the group based on ancient methods from the "Oracle at Delphi," which is an average of opinions from 12 prophets. Each twit generated specific numbers for 3 key figures using their Wild Assed Guess technique.
Twembley, on-screen from London, slugged back a double ration of grog & guessed Nokia 1st quarter net income rising about 30 percent to 1.4 billion-euro. Twaddle in Edinburgh (honors Camb. '00) tossed off a double single-malt & entered 29 percent at 1.39 billion-euro.
Both on the low side, the twins, Tweedle-Dum & Tweedle-Dee (summa-summa Toronto '95) paired 23 percent & 1.33 billion-euro as they each polished off a pint of Canadian whiskey in Quebec & Montreal, respectively. Twink (cum-cum Sorbonne '04), swilling a half-full snifter of VSOP cognac, entered 24 percent & 1.34 billion-euro. Old Twaddle (laude-laude Heidelberg '89) from Berlin quaffed a liter of lager & entered 25 & 1.35.
Twat, the only female in the group (hubba-hubba Harv. '07), snorted up 3 lines of coke at her office in Manhattan and went on-camera with 33 percent for 1.43 billion-euro net. And so on, with some high-side numbers of 1.8 billion-euro, from the very high, stoned out of his skull on hash, Tweedle-Dumber (Univ. London '01) out of Dublin & 2 billion-euro from Tweet (primo Yale '00), smoking a bowl of red & turning on from Turin.
Tveten, Tvitten & Tvoot (all Ph.D. Economics from Københavns Universitet) threw average high guesses from Oslo, Stockholm & Reyjavik on the order of 1.4 billion-euro. Tabulating the 12 predictions, Twembley announced the magical number of 1.38 billion-euro as the required 1st quarter net profit for Nokia. After another round of mind-altering substances the 12 twits offered their guesses for sales growth, averaging 27 percent WAG. Finished, they each went off, way off, to their company Christmas parties.
Nokia failed, miserably to meet these projections & net income was a puny 1.22 billion-euros for the quarter, a disappointing 25 percent increase. Sales were up by 28 percent and market share crawled up to a measly 40 percent.
As a result of missing the twit projections, stock traders severely punished Nokia, driving it down some 11 percent recently in Helsinki and generating a decline of 24 percent across the first 3 months of 2008. World markets are predicted to force Nokia stock even further down. Companies that only generate 25 percent growth in a quarter are no longer worthwhile investments.
With this massive failure, merely increasing net by 25 percent, the company's CEO, CFO, COO, & V-P Sales are expected to commit corporate sapoku. In Suomi, this tradition is normally honored with the outright cash purchase of as much stock as these greedy execs can buy, option, leverage & grant as bonuses. While twits & morons unload Nokia stock, the folks who plan to grow the business even more, by taking over a much larger market share, are loading up.
Munching a reindeer burger with whortleberry sauce & sipping aquavit, a Nokia junior executive noted that the 12 twits swelled his retirement portfolio by more than 30 percent in one calendar quarter. "How lucky can we get? Thanks twits."
