Government officials have taken steps to add an extra day to the week - prolonging people's suffering by a further 24 hours. The new day is to be called Shitday and everyone will be required to turn up for work/school/rehab on time otherwise they will face penalties.
"It's very easy and straightforward to get your head around and understand", said a beaureaucratic b*stard, "if you turn up on time on Shitday - which comes between Wednesday and Thursday - you will receive an extra 15 minutes of leisure time on Saturday.
"If you arrive late on Shitday, you will be deducted 15 minutes for every 30 seconds you are late from your following Saturday.
"If you arrive very early on Shitday, you will gain an extra 3 minutes for every 60 seconds you turn up early. These minutes will be added to your subsequent Sunday - to a maximum of 1439 minutes.
"If you cross the threshold of turning up 1440 minutes early, you will gain an extra Monday from the 4th week of every month.
"If you are already in your 3rd week of a particular month, you may gain a pass to leave early on the Friday of the following week - unless that Friday falls on Christmas Day or New Years Day. Or Good Friday - if you're a Christian. If that's the case, you would will take the Tuesday off on the first week after the festivities. Unless it's a full moon. Then it's null and void."
"Oh, and Shitday moves around every week so it can take the place of any of the other days. Just wanted to clarify that."
The new day has received a frosty reception from humans but employers have greeted it with open claws.