Sam's Wholesale Club, the big box retail spin off of Walmart, has long been known for their security at the exit doors. Customers are required to provide their receipt, birth certificate, membership card, two forms of credit, and bra size before being allowed to exit the building. That security check will now include body cavity searches.
Sam's Wholesale Club spokesman, Bubba Grullett from their Bentonville, Arkansas, headquarters, issued the following statement:
"We's tryin' ta tighten up our security so's we kan keep our pricers low. We don't want nobody stealin' nuthin' and gettin' away with it, so's we gotta take these precushions."
"We's gonna hire us some drug sniffin' dawgs un put them by the exits ta keep people from sneakin' food out in their pockets and such or to catch folks with crumbs on 'em cuz they was grazin' in tha aisles. I wuz gonna use my wive's do, but he wants ta hump everybody's leg and that just don't look right, this bein' a bidness an all."
When asked who would conduct the body cavity searches at the doors, Grullett said that "We hired a bunch of them fellers what used ta play fer the Arkansas Razorbacks football team. They ain't got no real learning an they's used to pokin' in the cheerleaders. We also gots us some big girlymen what used ta be in the state prison ta check out the menfolk."
"See how workin' fer this company really can have bennyfits?"
Alan Williams of Laredo, Texas is already upset with the company. Said Williams, "I run a movie theatre and my delivery truck with my concession supplies was going to be late. I went into my local Sam's and bought 60 cases of Nacho Chips and about ten cases each of the number ten cans of nacho cheese sauce and jalapenos."
"When I got to the register, they proceeded to open every single case to see that I wasn't trying to steal anything. When they broke open the last case, I called the manager over and demanded both a refund on my purchase and a refund on my membership. I was treated like a thief by that company, and that's no way to run a business!"
"To top matters off, calls to their regional manager and their home office to complain were never returned. I guess those people in Arkansas really don't know how to dial a phone yet."
Sam's also announced that they will add to their policy of not giving their customers sacks for their groceries by not allowing them to use the empty boxes either. Said Grullett, "We found out that some of them Meskins that likes ta shop with us uses them ta insulate their houses down in Mexico. Now we's gonna start bundling 'em up and selling 'em as insulation in our border stores."
When asked how company founder Sam Walton would have reacted to these latest changes, Grullett shrugged and said: "You kin ask him yerseff, but ya outta know first that he's dead. I wouldn't suspect much of an answer."
