Sir Richard Branson has said this morning that, for the first time in his long and distinguished career, he has been outdone by an inept inventor.
Branson, 57, started his entrepreneurship by publishing, at the tender age of 16, a student magazine entitled: I might not be as smart as the rest of you but I'm ruthlessly ambitious, as a recommendation to fellow school attendees that: "learning isn't everything".
"I haven't gotten this far by being a chump, you know so today's realisation comes as something of a surprise" explained the Virgin boss.
"The key to my success has been to never take chances in business, I only invest in those ventures that are water- tightly guaranteed to yield an obscenely healthy profit".
Dubbed 'Midas- man' by Dragon's Den supremo Duncan Ballentine, Branson departed with tradition by taking what some have called "a reckless flyer" with semi- retired inventor Bill Gates.
Gates, well known for spearheading Microsoft's rise to near global domination, approached Branson with what he termed: "a real money- spinner".
"I was stressed out after getting caught with that Virgin hostess and when Bill phoned I just took him at his word. After all, he's done it before and he and Paul McCartney are the only men richer than me in the world so I wanted a piece of the action".
It has been widely publicised that Gates, suffering from an empirical 'embarrassment of riches' has been hitting the coke a bit too hard and has, somewhat, 'gone off the rails' Virgin train style.
"What I ended up investing in was a 'money- spinner' all right" sobbed Branson. "The crazed, crack- headed, computer geek had only gone and invented an ACTUAL MONEY SPINNER. It's a bit like a whirly- gig that you get at the funfair only it has clips that you can attach money to and spin dollar bills on... man's a total nutter. The deal had been done before I realised."
Broken Branson went on to clarify the extent of the damage done to his industry by Gate's calamity: "Because it was HIM, Bill- Bloody- Gates for Christ's Sake, I thought I was on to a winner and invested 75% of Virgin enterprises... I'm fucked".
