Microsoft Merges with Virgin

Written by Travis Casey

Wednesday, 7 February 2007


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Seattle WA. - Bill Gates and Richard Branson have announced today that they will merge their two giant corporations, Microsoft and Virgin, to be known as "Micro-Virgin-Soft." The two trans-Atlantic billionaires will form the biggest company in the world once the merger is finalized.

Richard Branson admitted that the Virgin line was getting into a bit of trouble, and didn't want to see it go tits up. Bill is throwing him help in the form of a big software package. Sir Richard stated: "This is ideal. Virgin has so many things on the go, what with airlines, music, liquor, soft drinks, trains and so many other things, the last thing we need is some hard drive up the middle. This is a time for caressing Bill's software package and avoiding a rapid expansion. That's when things really blow up!"

Branson went on to say: "This is not some shotgun wedding where Virgin gets shafted. Virgin has never taken a shaft, and as long as Bill sticks to software, we never will."

When speculation started on this merger last spring, most experts concluded that the best Virgin could hope for was a 3-5% stake say in the company. But Branson proved to be a shrewd negotiator. It is reputed that he told the richest man in the world: "Look, I don't know a lot about that hard thing and as I am told, you don't either. I can fly people anywhere in the world, I can get them drunk and give them any music they want to hear. I can satisfy any of their seven deadly sins. I've made billions from their weaknesses. As long as you stick to the soft stuff and don't try to get hard on me, we can be the Reagan/Thatcher of the new millennium."

Bill was reported as saying: "I keep it soft. The Japs do all the hard stuff."

Gates has agreed not to try to capture the hardware market as per Branson's request. Branson will receive 48% of the company with Gates in command with 52%.

Stocks in New York and London soared in both companies to all time highs at the announcement, investors believing that once merged, Micro-Virgin-Soft will be the most expensive stock in the world. Many prominent people have come forward with their views:

George W. Bush bought 20 shares in each company stating "People misunderestiamte that I'm only interested in oil. I'm a man of the world. I already got two virgins and my wife knows I'm into the soft thing. And micro must be to do with electric shavers. Put me down for 20 shares each."

Hugh Hefner dumped all his stocks in both companies stating "Virgins and soft was sooo 1950's."

Larry Flint claimed "softcore doesn't sell."

Teddy Kennedy said America needed more Virgins, but if that wasn't an option, he would settle for more viagras. Something to do with Massachusetts.

Dan Qualye said: "Virgins should remain virgins. Don't stick an 'e' in it."

Tony Blair has announced that there is a knighthood on offer for Bill Gates subject to the appropriate donation to the Labour party and has invited both men to Downing Street to discuss where the Prime Minister may fit into the company once he leaves office.

Bill Gates is said to be ecstatic at the opportunity to broaden his horizons. "I have been tinkering with computers my whole life and now Richard has given me the opportunity to fly planes and make music. This is the right move for global economics and Richard and I will attempt to surpass the Chinese economy with this venture. This will be the biggest company in the world. To complete the conglomerate, Richard and I are mounting a bid for Wal-Mart."

Wal-Mart shares rose 5000% with that announcement.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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