"Old Man” Winter Relinquishing Control to Son Biff

Funny story written by Kilroy

Wednesday, 11 November 2020

image for "Old Man” Winter Relinquishing Control to Son Biff
Old Man Winter- Just Chillin'

Old Man Winter has reportedly turned over operational control of the winter season to his son, Biff, according to sources close to the personification of nature.

Citing health issues, Old Man Winter made the announcement in late October, and his overly-ambitious son wasted no time establishing complete control over the frigid manifestation.

After first declaring himself president and CEO of Winter, Inc. Biff Winter called a news conference early this morning to confirm that he, indeed, has the reins of all daily operations.

And he intends to manage the season in his own style.

“Make no mistake, I don’t plan on running winter the same way my Old Man did,” Biff remarked, after slamming the continental United States with ice and frigid temperatures as far south as Texas, weeks ahead of the scheduled arrival of winter.

“Obviously, my new business model is a lot more efficient than the previous one,” Biff noted sarcastically, after being asked about the recent arctic blast. "And I haven't forgotten about you over there, Europe."

“The next thing I plan to focus on is re-branding the entire winter season. The image of an old man blowing cold winds is not the kind of archetype that appeals to 21st-century demographics. Besides, who says winter HAS to start or end on any particular day?”

Biff Winter also presented a five-year plan that includes the hostile take-over of both Fall and Spring, a few weeks at a time. By creating a general climate of seasonal business chaos, Biff Winter proposes taking advantage of the fact that these seasons have no established personifications associated with them.

“Clearly, there is no identifiable leadership in the top ranks of these seasonal allocations, therefore, some of their time can be better managed by my organization,” said Biff, sending a chill through the Press Corps.

"Yeah, that's right! I did that," Biff acknowledged.

“There are still some economic hurdles and barriers to market entry into the summer business sector, but these will be addressed in time,” he added.

Biff went on to subtly accuse summer of improper business practices and collusion with the global warming industry. Biff also plans to modernize the functioning of winter through technology and software innovations.

“My father has been operating winter the same way he has since the Ice Age: arriving in a predictable fashion, manifesting in the archaic form of an old man blowing cold winds. That superstitious mumbo-jumbo is so Middle Ages, an outdated relic soon to be replaced by modern data-mining and HAARP technology,” he said.

Biff moved on to business news.

“After looking at market projections based on the last 10,000 years of data, winter’s market share has steadily eroded as a result of new entrants into the seasonal market such as El Niño, aberrant solar cycles, and global warming. There is no way in hell that I’m going to let a start-up venture like Greenhouse Gases (GHG) cut into the bottom line of an old established business like winter,” Biff remarked with indignation.

Promising a new, improved winter roll-out by the first of the year, Biff also has plans for an extended season in an effort to encroach on summer’s consumer base.

“Our long-term strategy is to be the dominant seasonal force all year round. We are streamlining our ability to deliver the core product line of snow, ice and freezing temperatures across a wider distribution network. Our business plan reflects exploiting our superior technological advantage. By being able to efficiently project winter weather anywhere, anytime, we’ll be the primary player in the seasonal market all year long,” Biff remarked confidently before calling the press conference to an end with a sudden blizzard.

In a related but totally irrelevant story, an inebriated Old Man Winter was spotted in a Speedo on a beach in Hawaii this week. When asked why he chose to relinquish all control of winter, he remarked angrily, “I’ve been busting my ass since the Cretaceous-Tertiary period. I’m retired!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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