Restaurant Chain, Dairy Queen Comes Out of Closet With New Menu

Funny story written by King David

Wednesday, 27 December 2006

image for Restaurant Chain, Dairy Queen Comes Out of Closet With New Menu
DQ Features New Menu Including Piercing, Tattoo and Leather Boutique

In the inaugurate climate that now is beginning to pervade in Washington since the president admitted being gay to the American public, international restaurant chain, Dairy Queen has a little secret to reveal.

Dairy Queen, which opened its first store over 60 years ago in Joliet, Illinois, was originally owned by two gay entrepreneurs.

Over the years, the franchise has steadily built itself up expanding to be one of the largest food franchises in the world with over 5,900 stores in the US, Canada and 20 foreign countries.

"Before we opened the first store, Bob and I spend late nights talking about what we would name our creation. We were having a baby and were very excited except our baby had a little Dilly Bar instead of a winkie wank. Bob and I knew that we couldn't keep our original name, "Drag Queen," so we changed to accommodate the austere, "Father Knows Best" American culture at the time. It looked innocuous then, but we knew what it really meant," said original "Drag Queen," oh, I mean "Dairy Queen" owner, Gaylord Simmons.

Since the store's Grand opening in 1940, featuring its Dilly Bars and Flame broiled burgers, the chain has managed to change with the times cross-dressing from Draconian to Drag and changing items on its menu as well.

Look for these items now featured at the franchise:

  • Willie dilly bars
  • Barbie buster bars
  • Back door brownie Earthquakes
  • Front door banana splits
  • Active-passive splits
  • Girlfriend GooLattes
  • Pierced tongue swizzlers
  • Queer sundaes
  • Bitch and Diesel-Butch Blizzards
  • Soft and hard dipped
  • I scream cones

They also feature:

  • Flame broiled hamburgers (meat between two buns)
  • Monterey Jackme Cheeseburgers (meat between two buns covered with goo)
  • French Fries (w/o embellishment)
  • Fried beef and pork ring sphincters
  • Freedom rings (not for consumption)
  • Strap-on and swishy sandwiches
  • Earrings, body tattoos and leather

"We've been waiting for this moment, Bob and I have, when we could feel safe about coming out and not jeopardize our success in the restaurant business. Now, we can rush head-long into the future. It's very exciting. It feels like the cork is unplugged."

Simmons said that the company has plans of adding 13 stores to the Washington DC area over the next three years.

In other news today, Michael Jackson has finally been emancipated from white, popular culture. He no longer feels that he has to fit in, takes off his nose, leaves hair alone.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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