Vape Rape provides consumers vaping with atomic punch

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Friday, 2 January 2015


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A new vaping company has come on the market that provides its users with atomic-borne, fracking-waste emissions instead of the water vapor used by traditional vaping horns.

Vape Rape LLC, headquartered outside Wheeling, W.Va. on a rezoned piece of wetlands, gives its vaping victims some really good stuff to breath in - offering nuclear sludge and radioactive, quarantined, oilfield grime.

The standard cylindrical vaping module has an incineration oven deep inside its burn chamber. The fracking material is ignited and burns, creating the smoke which vaping puffers crave. "Most of the fracking material we use is highly flammable and there's nothing to catching this stuff on fire inside our psychedelic-colored vaping horns," said Spike Doulsgood, COO of Vape Rape.

"It's totally harmless," said Food, Dry Goods, and Drug Administration Vaping Czar Bernard T. Thykes. "It's no more hazardous than consuming a milk shake or a candy bar. And there's zero calories to this form of vaping. And guess what? There's no fat, either."

The raw materials used by Vape Rape have a pungent taste so the fracking waste is masqued over with flavors made popular by other more traditional vaping companies, like: peach, pomegranate, vanilla bean, butterscotch, honey, tangerine, cherry, lemon-lime, ginger ale, whiskey, elderberry wine, blueberry, apple, cinnamon, wintergreen, lemon-lime, marshmallow, candy cane, goat's milk, and even seal and whale blubber.

"We get paid by the government to dispose of this fracking junk. Nobody wants to bury it in the ground via injection wells, since this disposal method pollutes the water table and causes earthquakes. But Vape Rape came up with a novel idea - we're more than happy burying this poisonous radioactive stuff deep inside your lungs," said Thurwood G. Ticket, Vape Rape CEO and founder.

The fracking matter is placed in large tanks where it is boiled down into a thick concentrate. Then, it's freeze-dried in large, industrial, autoclave freezers; then it's melted, and after this goo stagnates for a few months, it's boiled down and then, boiled down one more time.

"It's a lengthy process and like all good things, it takes time," Ticket said. "We've studied how good bourbon is made and we applied the same sorts of manufacturing processes to our company."

Vape Rape has 350,000 gallons of uranium- and plutonium-contaminated fracking waste presently being shipped by ocean barges from upper Siberia. When the barges arrive in a few days on the eastern seaboard, they will be siphoned into railroad tankers and railroaded into the Wheeling outskirts.

So far, there have been no illnesses or casualties reported by Vape Rape's consumers; but the company has only been in operation for two weeks.

Medical professionals are concerned, however, with the threat of radioactive oilfield sludge being burned inside the vaping modules and inhaled into the chest cavities of people. Plus, addiction specialists and mental health professionals have fears that the nuclear and radioactive fracking materials might turn out to be even more of a jones to users than heroin and methamphetamine.

When cornered on the addiction issue, Ticket coughed a bit, adjusted his eyeglasses and said, "Yes. Vape Rape's vapors definitely have some kick. They give their puffers a definite jolt. Some have even complained of hallucinating. And some of the heavy users of Vape Rape's horns have been glowing as brightly as florescent light bulbs. The long-term effects of this new vaping style may be as dangerous as the medieval drink, absinthe, Vape Rape critics complain. But hey, if some people get sick they can sue us. We're making so much money it isn't even funny. Vape Rape's made me a gawdzillionaire!"

The whole concept behind 'vaping' is to provide inhalers with a safe way to quit smoking cigarettes. The vapors and "clouds" produced while puffing traditional vaping horns are believed to be much safer than smoking full-flavored, or even "light" tobacco cigarettes. Vaping vapors are comprised of water, not smoke, and many vaping horns do not include addictive nicotine. But some coffeehouse goers complain that those who "vape" create even more "clouds" than an Oklahoma thunderstorm during tornado season, or, at least five guys sucking away on a hooka bong.

The Food, Dry Goods, and Drug Administration gave Vape Rape a full go-ahead, and this has caused some controversy. "There are so many things wrong here I can't even begin," said Plebius L. Greene, M.D., who has spearheaded a campaign to close down Vape Rape LLC for good. "What kind of idiot will spend over a hundred bucks for a Vape Rape modulation and incineration chamber? And then spend another two hundred bucks for five flavored vaping cartridges? Why not just give these morons a rope or a gun and tell them to end it all?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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