Jersey Jail Full of Men Who Look Like Ahmad Khan Rahami
NEW JERSEY-After receiving the call of a deeply disturbed woman claiming there were "a group of Muslims" outside her house, the Atlantic City police arrested all five of the perpetrators, stating they "looked like Ahmad Khan Rahami," a suspect in the...
Read full storySanta Faces Slavery Charges
NORTH POLE-Child icon and beloved gift-giver Kris Kringle, AKA Santa Claus, has recently been formally charged with elf slavery of the first degree after an anonymous tip lead the FBI to conduct a surprise SWAT investigation of his workshop. After br...
Read full storyGary Johnson Fails to Remember All 151 Original Pokemon, Loses Support with 90's Kids
Another day, another blunder for the Johnson campaign. In a recent interview the former Governor of New Mexico was once again unable to respond to the simplest of personal questions: What was your favorite Generation 1 starter Pokemon? "I never ca...
Read full storyPatriots To Replace Brady with "Floating Quarterbacks"
Foxboro, MA - Management for the New England Patriots reportedly plans to terminate its superstar quarterback, Tom Brady, in the coming weeks and replace him with a team of "floating quarterbacks." The team will test a concept loosely based on "...
Read full story2nd Presidential Debate Moved to Madison Square Garden
ONLY IN AMERICA - The Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) announced today that the next presidential debate, previously scheduled at the Washington University in St. Louis, on October 9, has been moved to New York City's Madison Square Garden. F...
Read full storyTrump Takes Day Off After Discovering He's Fat
Donald Trump is taking a day off the campaign trail to recover after he discovered that he was fat. Trump has made comments about the weight of Rosie O'Donnell, Miss Universe Alicia Machado, a rally attendee, Chris Christie, and others. Yesterday...
Read full storyTrump's Debate Prep Strategy Leaked
Initial stories stated that Donald Trump did not spend much time preparing for the Presidential debate. A campaigner staffer who requested anonymity has explained the preparation time and the methods used. The limited time was caused by Trump's need...
Read full storyScamatology Running Out of Third World Countries to Recruit In
Nukuʻalofa, Tonga According to the Tonga Police, in the last Third World outpost of the Cult of Scamatology, the cult has been ordered to leave the island immediately, and to release all the children they've managed to secrete away from the country. The cult has been unable to recruit anywhere in the world due to the unpopularity of their cult, the bad publicity given it by recent books, docume...
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