ONLY IN AMERICA - The Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) announced today that the next presidential debate, previously scheduled at the Washington University in St. Louis, on October 9, has been moved to New York City's Madison Square Garden. Frank Fahrenkopf, CPD's co-chairman said: "After the first presidential debate, it seems that rather than debate real issues, both presidential candidates want to go after each other with slimy stories, racial expiates, and slanderous innuendos." He went on to say: "If that's what the candidates are going to do, throw mud and each other, why not have a venue that supports that?"
The CPD released some of the details of the new presidential format. A boxing ring, regulation 20 square feet, will be erected in the middle of the arena. A two foot high rectangle pool filled with mud will be placed within the ring. Farmers from Iowa, one of the more politically contested states, will be providing the mud at no charge.
CPD spokesman Frank Fahrenkopf said: "Normally 'mud wrestling' is performed by bikini clad babes." "Both candidates appear to be a little out of shape, so bikinis will be optional." Donald Trump is at least 20 pounds overweight and based on his height - borderline obese. God only knows what Hillary Clinton weighs. Looking at that burgeoning behind of hers, there's at least 50 pounds of excess there alone. Both combatants have already certified they qualify as heavyweights and have opted out of the pre-fight weigh-in." Frank Fahrenkopf exhorted: "Needless to say, for the sake of millions of American's stomachs and small children who could have posttraumatic stress disorder for life, hopefully they will each choose the 'tights' option instead of bikinis."
Don King, legendary fight promoter said: "Man would I have loved to handle this event." "Makes 'The Thrilla in Manila' match between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier and 'The Rumble in the Jungle' between George Foreman and Muhammad Ali, look like child's play." He also added: "After the last few years of those damn Russians, Vladimir and Vitali Klitschko, being dominate, it's time for some real U.S. heavyweights to take center stage again!"
In the last presidential debate, Hillary's podium was shortened, so she should would not appear smaller than the 6'2" Donald Trump. The TV camera angles were also carefully adjusted not to contrast the difference in size. Although Hillary loves to boast about how she has broken through the female glass ceiling, obviously there are limits. Frank Fahrenkopf proclaimed: "This mud wrestling match up will have no such sexist limitations."
The CPD said there will be three, five-minute rounds, which will test the conditioning of the candidates. Much has been reported concerning Hillary Clinton's health, such as her fall which caused a brain clot which necessitated her resignation as Secretary of State. Since then, her numerous falls going up stairs, bout with pneumonia, and passing out on 9/11 this year. Frank Fahrenkopf said: "We at the commission are not worried about Hillary or her stamina to go toe to toe with Donald Trump." "After that last debate, it looks like her 'meds' have kicked in and she's ready for bear!" He also added: "We aren't as sure about Donald." In that last debate he looked tired and had the sniffles." "The only reason we are allowing him to go forward is because Doctor Oz, who reviewed is medical records, says he's good to go."
Since Hillary is 68 and Trump 70, there is some concern that they will get winded during the mudslinging match and slow down. As an added incentive to heat up the fight, each combatant will be allowed three agitators in their corners, equipped with bull horns. They will allowed to yell out the most hateful, derogatory, obscene claims about each candidate during each five minute round. During the one minute rest period, each candidate will also be forced to read the most despicable news stories about themselves - Hillary her email and Clinton Foundation scandal stories - Donald the despicable things he has said about women.
Since news of the new presidential debate venue has started to leak out, it has been reported that tickets have gone on sale for as high as a million dollars for front row seats. It has been speculated once the rest of the public finds out about the event, ticket prices may even go higher. Frank Fahrenkopf said: "Back in 2008, the Center for Public Integrity labeled the CPD a "secretive tax-exempt organization and found that 93 percent of the contributions came from just six donors." "We predict the proceeds from this event will bankroll our organization for centuries!"
Neither the Clinton camp or Trump organization were willing to comment on the new presidential format. However, inside sources in both campaigns say there are secret negotiations underway to forego the election in November and let the winner take all.