Obscure Zoroastrian cult has infiltrated the Pentagon
Washington DC - A fire-worshiping cult behind state religion in the Achaemenid, Parthian, Sasanian and Arachnid empires has seized control of the Pentagon, specifically aircon and life support in the highly classified Restricted Wing. A statement...
Read full storyHubble Telescope Spots Lois Lerner's Emails Leaving Solar System in Secret Rocket
Cape Canaveral, FL - NASA officials have announced the Hubble Telescope has spotted an object leaving our solar system at breakneck speed and believe the vessel is carrying Lois Lerner's missing IRS emails. The rocket was not launched by NASA...
Read full storyA List Of Future Books Titles That Ann Coulter Plans
Ann Coulter, that famous extreme right wing author and the wicked witch of the North East That Baum didn't write so much about in his Oz books is forever coming out with new literary tirades against those who, unlike herself, are not raised in families where you are constantly batted over the head with conservative ideals. She believes that everyone should be like herself: demeaning, mean spir...
Read full storyModern Diets Lack Lard - New Survey Findings
Once everywhere and now out of fashion, there are many good reasons to cook with lard. Does it feature in your kitchen? Nutritionists have done a startling u turn to recommend the incorporation of lard into all four meals per day according to the...
Read full storyObama Allowing White House to Deteriorate; Gets Ticket for Blight
Washington, DC Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner admitted calling the police on President Obama due to what he said was "terrible blight" conditions at the White House. "Obama has let the grass get knee-high, with a couple of junk cars...
Read full storyPensioner Gunned Down in London
Paddy O'Flynn had had enough it seems. He had decided to apply to his local housing authority for help with his rent having vacated his old house and moved into a rented apartment in Clapham Common, South London. That is where his troubles began. His wife Caitlin takes up the story. "They sent him a form to fill in. It was thick as the London Times. For three months he tried to figure it o...
Read full storyVondrook's Dating Survival Tips!
To help you navigate through the murky black sludge that is the single dating life, here are some tips for the Vondrook reader on how to achieve the highest rate of success when going on a first date. And by "success," I meaning making out or getting laid. •If your date says she likes a "take charge" type of guy, try to get the waiter or somebody to hear that as well, because that's consent, br...
Read full storyArea Man Can't Wait to Get This Goddamn Day Over With
Abington, PA- Local resident, Steven Mayer, of Abington, Pennsylvania, awoke this morning with a renewed sense of anticipation and vigor. "I was able to turn off the alarm a minute before 6:00," reported the 32 year old Mayer, who works as a daytime...
Read full storyLong-Lost Child About to Knock on Your Door
Your Home, USA - Sources have reported that the child you have abandoned years ago is on your front step right now and is gearing up to knock on your door. The child, who was conceived 13 years ago at a Red Roof Inn Motel out by the airport, has t...
Read full story'Water Cops' to Catch Wasters in California on New Reality Show
Santa Cruz, CA - "Bad Buoys, Bad Buoys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" You might recognize the theme song for the newest reality show to debut from California amidst their worst drought in years and ongoing, severe water...
Read full storyOne's Horses Achieve An All Time High
Despite Estimate, one of HRH Queen Elizabeth's horses accidentally getting contaminated food in its nosh bag, this year has seen many high points for the Queen's horses, the Palace said this morning. "Some of the horses that her nags mix with though,...
Read full story