Controversial Drug X-9 Yomide Being Removed From Popular Sports Drink
NEW YORK CITY - The Crocodile Sports Drink Company of Bedford-Stuyvesant, New York, has issued a statement saying it will soon be removing a highly controversial ingredient from its line of energy sports drinks. Sahara Sara Serpentulli, spokespers...
Read full storyPacker Backer Quackers
A few months before the start of the Super Bowl game a few years back I returned to the part of the country I am from and made the irritating discovery that everyone there had gone nuts. Normally Wisconsinites are the most normal people you can get, excepting of course people from Madison who many suspect escaped from the space ship that crashed at Roswell. Wisconsinites are so normal that No...
Read full storyLady Gaga Wants To Become A SEAL
BILLINGSGATE POST - Many want to be a SEAL but few make it. Inspired by GI Jane and aware of the new push to allow women to join combat units, Lady Gaga hopes to become a SEALs candidate. With a successful career in the entertainment business, on...
Read full storyDear Abby's Last Words: Advises Everyone To "Go Fuck Themselves."
MINNEAPOLIS, MN-In a shocking turn of events ailing Dear Abby advice columnist Pauline Phillips shelved her customary charm by issuing a final declaration for her readers to "go fuck themselves." "I've always looked to her column for quaint life a...
Read full storyFake Noise Drowns Out Marv Albert's Monotone
It takes a Potemkin village apparently for TNT's announcer. Marv Albert noted several times during his broadcast of the Celtics and Knicks game at the Boston TD Garden that the noise from the crowd seemed artificial. It is reminiscent of the is...
Read full storyCompany to make pre-bent clubs for golfers with anger management issues
Local sports equipment manufacturer Mad in Plaid announced today it will introduce a set of pre-bent golf clubs for angry golfers. "There are millions of pissed-off duffers out there. Why should they have to bend their own clubs by whacking the...
Read full storyCity to install airbags in downtown lampposts to protect texting pedestrians
The city council last night voted to spend $250,000 to install automotive-type airbags on all downtown lampposts. The decision came after hundreds of pedestrians have been injured over the past few years while inadvertently walking into posts wh...
Read full storyPolice arrest coin-operated mall massage chair for lewd conduct
Following a three month investigation, police today arrested a coin-operated mall massage chair for lewd conduct. The arrest followed a surveillance and sting operation at the Mall of Malls. "We got numerous complaints, so we sent in one of our...
Read full storyDung beetles are not full of crap; they are aliens!
Scientists studying dung beetles rolling their balls of dung from A to B have discovered they are guided by the Milky Way and passing comets. This amazing discovery has now lead to proof that dung beetles and other insects actually star gaze includin...
Read full storyAfter The NBA Season Ends - The Lakers Will Star In A New Reality TV Show
LOS ANGELES - Well it appears that the owner of The Los Angeles Lakers, Jerry Buss, has finally figured it out. He has contacted Tansinella Wickovich, a spokesperson with The Epitome Television Network, and plans are in the works to have the curre...
Read full storyThe LeAnn Rimes - Brandi Glanville Feud From Hell Continues
LOS ANGELES - Anderson Cooper host of CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 has just stated that he does not recall a more bitter, intense, hate-filled feud than the one that is currently going on between country singer LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville who appea...
Read full storyPresident now believed to have lip-synced inaugural speech
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After President Obama and Aretha Franklin each gave respectively a resounding speech and rendition of the National Anthem four years ago, it seems that the designers of the second inaugural ceremony pulled a full-on Milli Vanilli o...
Read full storyPelican or Pelicant: New Orleans Christens Its NBA Team
You may be forgiven if you have no idea what to call a professional basketball team in New Orleans. They might be called the Mardi Gras because their name seems to mask a long winter's fast, or an overdone parade. Yes, those crazy fools down in...
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