Harry Redknapp goes with an "I'm thick as sh1t" defence
The trial of Harry Redknapp on charges of tax fraud took a strange turn today when the Spurs manager insisted that the offence was not down to him because he was below the legal reading age of responsibility. He claimed he reads like a two-year-ol...
Read full storyWarren Buffett's Secretary Arrested For Panhandling
BILLINGSGATE POST - Debbie Bosanek, the token oppressed tax-payor who was not able to use capital gain treatment on her salary of an estimated $300,000, was arrested in tony Georgetown for impersonating a Banshee rag-picker. After nodding off duri...
Read full storyHeather Locklear Told To Check Herself Into A Rehab Clinic or Risk Being Deported
LOS ANGELES - Reports out of LaLaLand are that the much troubled actress Heather Locklear has been told that she needs to make arrangements to enter into a rehab clinic. A close, unnamed friend informed Bedroom Pillow Talk that the 50-year-old Loc...
Read full storyNewt Gingrich campaign promise: colonize the Moon with Mitt Romney supporters
Newt Gingrich's latest campaign promise has NASA and Dems on tenterhooks: to colonize the Moon with Romney supporters, vegans and telemarketers. While the absence of unwanted masses in those categories might improve American life as we know it, the p...
Read full storyComing and Going? - L.A. Porn Merchants Prepare To Withdraw Troops If Local Condom Occupy Plan Officially Takes Hold Of Their Collective You Know Whats
LOS ANGELES - Fearing that a firmer than usual enforcement of any existing thought to be already too rigid laws requiring the constant use of condoms on all Los Angeles-based adult film sets might seriously penetrate what they've come to expect as th...
Read full storyTransfer Window: Arsene Wenger swoops in for Carrol as tactical signing
Arsene Wenger has long opposed the transfer window and refused to sign players in the January, but has gone back on the statement after a recent mathematical blunder in the home defeat to Manchester United and swooped in for former Countdown brainbo...
Read full story"The Sound of Plumbing" reaches number one
An unusual song called "Boiler Change" has reached the top of the UK pop charts, out-selling by two to one its nearest rival "Love a love of lovely love" by a talent show reject. "Boiler Change" is a unique track, consisting of an actual real life...
Read full storyFA Cup Chelsea v QPR: John Terry to wear armband - over mouth
QPR are beefing up security for their FA Cup tie against Chelsea, where Anton Ferdinand and John Terry are set to come face to face. However Chelsea have plans to a avoid further trouble on the pitch by instructing their skipper to wear an armban...
Read full storyA Bad Romance In Every Way
Their eyes met across the busy dancefloor. Unlikely though it was, both of their glass eyes had fallen out at the same time, rolled across the ground - avoiding dozens of dancing feet - and bumped into each other. Theobald and Griselda approached each other, put their eyes back in and began an awkward conversation. He didn't normally enjoy yakking. He had caught a large one the previous year bu...
Read full storyElvis Presley - You were always on my mind
The following notes are taken from case study number 37, vis-a-vis Wendy Box, who has been admitted to ward 15 following over half a century of infatuation with the late American singer Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley first came to the attention of Wendy Box in 1956 when he released the song Heartbreak Hotel. The young Miss Box, then a 14 year old schoolgirl, would pass her free time in the Red Ca...
Read full storyNew Tarzan is a Balotelli fan!
A Manchester man and ex body-builder who once worked at the local Co-op has turned his back on the bright lights (what?) of his home town and answered a call from the African bush. He travelled to South Africa in a leopard skin leotard and skimpy...
Read full storyMichelle Obama Agrees To Appear On 'Dancing With The Stars' And Will Be Paired With Maksim Chmerkovskiy, "The Bad Boy of The Ballroom"
HOLLYWOOD - The host of Dancing With The Stars, Tom Bergeron has just put all of the First Lady rumors to rest. He has informed the entertainment media that Michelle Obama, 48, wife of the nation's 44th president, Barack Obama has in fact agreed...
Read full storyNewt Gingrich to demolish Old Testament cemetery to make way for US moon base
Washington - The lunar mausoleum is said to contain the remains of Old Testament stalwarts like the Prophet Elijah, renowned for his ascent into heaven in a flaming chariot. Now its very existence is coming under threat as GOP White House wannabe...
Read full storyMore Haggis Eaten In England Than Scotland
England has overtaken Scotland as the top market for that iconic Scots dish, Haggis. Midlothian-based MacSween produces 1,000 tons of the "chieftain o' the puddin' race" every year, which is enough for about five million portions. But 60 per cent...
Read full storyBaby Porcupine Irwin: First Interview and Wish List
He's a YouTube sensation -- the baby porcupine in Pennsylvania trying to eat from a coffee cup. But he's not a happy camper. In his first interview, he tells all, including why he's furious with the media and what's on his wish list for the com...
Read full storyHow did I ever find time for work?
Pensioner Al Bidedsoon, sent this letter to the JCP (Jobcentre plus) offices, explaining why he was not currently seeking employment. Dear Sir or Madam or Combination of both or either person, In reply to your letter asking me to supply the reason for my not having applied for a job for 5 months: Apart from the frustration of getting no interviews to my 208 applications sent off in the pr...
Read full storyScouse Soccer Stunner!
Liverpool, once the most successful soccer team in history, are to up sticks from their Merseyside, England home and move to Boston, Massachusetts. Owner John W Henry, announcing the news at a packed press conference on Thursday morning, said the mov...
Read full storyDemi Moore Says Her Skinny Look Is Not Due To Anorexia But To A Damn Tape Worm
LOS ANGELES - Demi Moore is resting quietly in her 13th floor hospital room at L.A.'s Our Lady of The Silver Screen Hospital. Moore was taken to the hospital after falling down in her backyard while she was playing a game of croquet with two of he...
Read full storyThe Second Season of "Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best" Premiers With Joan Having Her 734th Plastic Surgery
BEVERLY HILLS - The second season of WE TV's Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best has just had its premier and Joan Rivers is her same angry, sarcastic, space alien-looking, meddling self. The woman known as "The Bitch of Bitterness" admits to havi...
Read full storyObamicus Tries to Preserve His Crumbling Empire
Rome: Emperor Obamicus has ruled the empire for almost four years, carrying the scepter and the burden of empire on his shoulders. Senator Obamicus bested Senators Clintonia and McCainius, to replace the aging Emperor Bushitis. The new emperor promis...
Read full storyThe Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt VI; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery
My friend Shylock Humes and I sat in the four-wheeler, in the inky-shadowed street outside the villa of Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers and host of the Annual Convention of Not-Quite Correct Things. We waited on the arrival of Inspector Arbuthnot Williams of Scotland Yard, who ought by now to have been relieved from his vigil at 345 Bombay Road by Inspector Stanley Livingstone Sta...
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