Obamicus Tries to Preserve His Crumbling Empire

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Thursday, 26 January 2012

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Rome: Emperor Obamicus has ruled the empire for almost four years, carrying the scepter and the burden of empire on his shoulders. Senator Obamicus bested Senators Clintonia and McCainius, to replace the aging Emperor Bushitis. The new emperor promised change and to organize the community.

Bushitis the old head of state has retired to his villa in Texarcania to write his memoirs. Senator Clintonia was appointed the State Consul of Rome. The Empress Michellonia, while "as pure as the wind-driven snow," is said to be the mad power behind the Obamicus throne. Carneygula has replaced Gibbis as the Imperial Palace's spokesman.

The demi-goddess Jacksonia Regulationia has placed strict smoke limits on burning olive pits, thus angering both plebian homeowners and patrician emporium owners. She has also threatened to shut down the Aqueducts over sand in the water supply.

General Petraeus of the legions who has achieved military successes in Mesopotamia and Afghanistan has returned home to retire and serve the emperor in intelligence matters. However, Mesopotamia is again slipping into the hands of barbarians!

Panetta, who previously served as advisor to Clintonia's husband when he was emperor, has been appointed State Defense Consul of Rome. He is bringing the legions home from Mesopotamia and slashing the size of the legions to make up for the four trillion gold piece deficit incurred by Emperor Obamicus. Rome is going broke due to overspending the tribute obtained from the provinces and the European provinces are in financial ruin.

Rome's domestic policies are a shambles as jobs are going to the provinces because of cheap labor and Rome's borders are open to the barbarians. The military budgets are being cut needed to support the legions to put down these undocumented barbarians. Emperor Obamicus was found to be loaning tribute money to his favorite "green" chariot manufacturer the Solarium Chariot Emporium (political supporter) to develop new wheel technology. This enterprise is located on a walled street near the center of Rome. Obamicus also instituted a ridiculous "cash for clunker chariot" program and failed high speed oxcart trains to the provinces.

Obamicus-Care health insurance is going to the nine oracles of the supreme virgins. The emperor is continually calling for more tax money to build high speed chariot roads, but is reluctant to build any new Aqueducts to carry olive pit fuel from Tuscany to Rome.

The Roman Senate is still controlled by aging Senator Reidontis, but the Senate has become more conservative in the last few years. New voices are heard in the Forum orating Republican political ideas such as those espoused by Boehner the Buckeye, Cantorius and Ryanitis. Boehner the Buckeye and his elephants had laid siege to Rome, but were coerced by Obamicus and have reluctantly joined with the emperor on some issues. Subsequently Boehner's band of Tea Party followers revolted against him.

Emperor Obamicus gave his state of the empire speech in the Senate saying "friends Romans and countrymen give me more tax money" and continues to blame Bushitis for the empires financial problems. Patricians are upset over the emperor's proposed millionaire's tax. Plebian occupy walled street protestors are engaging in class warfare, as they want to tax the rich and get more free "bread and circuses."

The Senate adjourned to celebrate the festival of Saturn and Emperor Obamicus appointed some new Imperial consuls without the Senate's approval. These new rabble-rousers within the gates of the emperor's palace are trying to unionize Rome's workers and slaves, thus driving more emporiums to the provinces.

Emperor Obamicus and State Consul of Rome Clintonia still have an amphora of old and new Foreign policy problems. However, there is a glimmer of good news with respect to foreign policy. The warlord Ben Laden believed to be hiding in a cave in Afghanistan was caught in another hellish province and dispatched by the SEAL legion.

Ill Jong the Barbarian (a lunatic) in far off Cathay, at the extreme fringe of the empire has met his maker. However, his son Ill Jong Un still has the potential of causing trouble for the empire. Former Bushitis Imperial Ambassador Boltonis' many warnings have been constantly ignored by Obamicus.

Emperor Obamicus has dispatched a second fleet of Triremes with the latest catapult and Greek fire technology to the region, but these ships will take many months to get to Asia to wipe out the various foreign barbarian terrorists.

Ahmenajad the Crazy is still causing trouble in Persia and the Middle East and is rumored to be developing a secret powerful weapon. He is also threatening to block the Roman Triremes at a narrow choke point in their journey to Asia. Many feel the emperor was not forceful enough during an aborted Persian uprising a few years back.

Karzai the Corrupt in Afghanistan still poses a political threat to the empires internal stability, but Imperial diplomats are holding secret negotiations with the Taliban terrorists.

There are rumors of an Arab spring in the Middle East provinces (not to be confused with a bar of soap with a similar name) which may plague the empire by creating new barbarians. Judea has ceased to be a troublesome province, becoming an ally of Emperor Obamicus.

Many Romans feel it is time to replace Emperor Obamicus with a more Republican leader, to reestablish the conservative grandeur and respect that was once Rome's and to retire Obamicus to his native province of Chicago. They say "we have come to unseat Obamicus not praise him!"

The Republican candidates who want to rule the empire, carry the scepter and the burden of empire on their shoulders are Provincial Governor Romneyian of Massadonia, Provincial Governor Perrycles of Texarcania (adios), Orator/Speaker Gingrich of Georgia (plagued by old wives tales), Bachmann of Germania (kaput), Paul of Gaul and Santorum a Senator of Rome. During their many Forum debates, social brickbats were hurled at each other to win favor with the various gods!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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