More Haggis Eaten In England Than Scotland

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Thursday, 26 January 2012

image for More Haggis Eaten In England Than Scotland
Hamish McTavish yesterday.

England has overtaken Scotland as the top market for that iconic Scots dish, Haggis.

Midlothian-based MacSween produces 1,000 tons of the "chieftain o' the puddin' race" every year, which is enough for about five million portions. But 60 per cent is sent south of the border.

"We export a huge volume of haggis down south," said a spokesman. "It sells particularly well in London and the south-east of England."

"Well duh!" Said hater of all things Scottish, Mr 'Sir' Robert Peel, 46, of Tunbridge Wells, who is no relation to the celebrated creator of the modern police force. "All the ruddy sweaties are down here in London and the south-east.

"You can't walk down the street without tripping over one!

"And don't talk to me about bloody Parliament - that place is virtually Glasgow-on-Thames!"

"Och aye the noo - there's a moose loose aboot this hoose, Campbeltown Loch I wish ye were whisky, Donald where's yer trewsers?" said Mr Hamish McTavish, a typically stereotypical Scotsman we created very unimaginatively for the sake of balance.

* Once again EIF News and Features wishes to apologise for yet another cheap, tired Celtic stereotype, especially following yesterday's report on the public toilet in Bagenalstown, Ireland. All we can say is - ah, stuff it, who cares?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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