Cameron denies eating roast bald eagle with King Abdullah in Saudi desert feast
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia - "That's total and utter hogwash," the PM's aide told reporters this evening, "besides, it wasn't bald per se, just slightly thinning." "It's the Bedu equivalent of the Thanksgiving turkey," Our-Man-In-Riyadh's calorie counte...
Read full story'Long to reign over us' to be Removed from National Anthem!
A statement released from Buckingham Palace this morning has sadly officially confirmed that Her Majesty the Queen has the age related condition known as 'detrectandis'. The condition is fortunately not life threatening. Detrectandis usually attacks...
Read full storyThe Adventure Of The Missing Christmas Goose Pt IV; A Festive Shylock Humes Mystery
Inspector Stanley Livingstone-Stanley and I sat silently, as we lurched along through the winter evening streets of London. We were sitting in a two-horse brougham opposite a Bolivian admiral who was on his way to the Annual Convention of Not Quite Correct Things, which is an event hosted by Colonel Clavicord, late of the Bengal Dancers, and is a veritable Mecca to those with a penchant for the re...
Read full storyFrenchmen's AAA Romance Rating Downgraded To C-
Paris -- The EU Division of Standard & Poor's has notched down France's world-leading AAA Romance Rating, relegating the "land of love" to the bottom of the hotness heap when it comes to "lust, thrust, and overall mojo." "France's sexual score...
Read full storyBorn To Spoof: Chapter 99 The Return to Insanity
The snow fell through the black soot in the air of the mean streets of East London. It was Christmas Eve, yet the only thought on my mind was this: Is it possible to de-clone a clone? I was in my usual melancholy self as I shuffled through the slush towards The Spoof. I stopped on a street corner and stared at its dingy neon flashing light "The Spoof Writer's Pub", then underneath, "Members On...
Read full storyUproar in South Carolina
The race for the Republican Presidential nomination reached fever pitch today when, with only a week to go before the crucial South Carolina primary, one of the candidates issued a statement about something or other. The man, thought to have once...
Read full storyStampede by grossly obese passengers to all-you-can-eat counter responsible for Costa Concordia sinking?
Rome - Italian cruise ship owners have denied reports that the Costa Concordia's capsizing last night was caused partly by a surge to the eat-as-much-as-you-like self service counter. The dining room's buffet spread was groaning under the massive...
Read full storyOh Dear Oh Dear!
Oh Dear Oh Dear. I mean can you believe it? I've said it more than once, there should be a law against it. It's them mobiles. I was up in Lonnon to see Plymouth Argyle play that Leyton Orient and I got on this tube. I tell you, it was like a morgue in there. I spoke to my neighbour and half the carriage turned to stare at me. And then they go out their mobiles! No one talked to their neighbo...
Read full storyPlans to Kick Out Failing MPs
Plans are advanced in the proposed legislation to sack failing MPs who do not meet the expectations of constituents. 'Waiting for an election is not good enough' declared education secretary Michael Glove 'it is time we sorted out the useless MPs...
Read full storyArsenal goalkeeper apologises for twitter remark to teammate
Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny has apologised for saying in a Twitter message that team-mate Aaron Ramsey looked "like a sheep shagger". The 21-year-old Polish goalkeeper has been reminded by the club of his responsibilities, and apologised...
Read full storyTransfer Window: Steven Gerrard agrees to new long term contract
Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has signed a new long-term contract which will effectively see him end his career with the same doctor. The 31-year-old scouser, who came through the ranks at Liverpool, first appeared at the surgery back in Novemb...
Read full storyRupert Murdoch to close down another newspaper
In a shock announcement today on his new twitter page, 800 year old Rupert Murdoch told the world his plan to 'streamline his business empire' while at the same time producing a new reality tv show for his worldwide tv networks. The dirty digger...
Read full storyNottingham News for W/E 14th Jan 2012 - with comments
7th Jan 2012: 22 year-old Burglar Sentenced for 42 break-ins Category: Crime 'This is Nottingham' Damian Foster (22) from Bulwell, has been found guilty of 42 house burglaries, 39 of them on pensioners homes in the Bulwell and Basford areas of Nottingham. Defence Council Tarquin Churchman asked for leniency for Foster, pointing out he had been raised by a single parent, and was hoping to fin...
Read full storyRon Paul Says If Newt Gingrich Doesn't Stop Attacking Him He Will Open Up A Can of 'Whup Ass' On Him
LAKE JACKSON, Texas - Ron Paul was back home taking it easy since he said that he does not like to travel on Friday the 13th. He sat barbecuing baby back ribs in his backyard and chatting with Mistletoe Bulova, a reporter with the political public...
Read full storyCurrent Inventions designed and being produced in Nottingham for 2012
Nottingham, has such a high level of conceptual, theoretical, and studious citizens. It is no surprise to us that it currently has the top six 'Beneficial' inventions being worked on. Our panel of representationally selected Nottingham bred intellectuals, and unemployed benefit seekers assess the chances of success for each project. Assessment Panel: Baxter D Wall (Unisex barber-shop manage...
Read full storyFriday The 13th - Only 876 Murders Reported In America As Most Summer Camps Are Closed For The Winter
Camp Crystal Lake - Maine - Startling figures released by the FBI this morning related that a staggeringly low 876 summer camp murders occurred last night, as opposed to 15,986 on the corresponding Friday the 13th date for August 2011. Behavioral...
Read full storyStudy Shows Worst Dictators Have Worst Socks
Gavin McCloud, famed Harvard researcher and author of the internationally acclaimed study Leaders Tie Their Shoes, has out done himself once again by proving that the difference between the world's worst dictators and those who are not dictators is...
Read full storyThe Sun Pulls Piffle Prize Winning Story From Website
Judges of the not very prestigious Piffle Prize award for journalistic underachievement expressed their bewilderment yesterday, as The Sun's website removed yesterday's Piffle Prize winning entry from it's home page. "It took me completely by surp...
Read full story"Heather Locklear was 'out of control' prior to drug and alcohol incident that landed her in hospital" - DM Back On Form To Win Saturday's Piffle Prize
Following a one day temporary hiatus in the art of expounding utter mundanity, the Daily Mail stormed back to form to scoop Saturday's Piffle Prize with the above statement of the bleedin' obvious. Tenacious DM reportage revealed profound revelati...
Read full storyArizona Enacts One Of The Toughest Leash Laws In America
PHOENIX - The governor of Arizona Jan Brewer acting on thousands of complaints from citizens of the state who say that Arizona needs a leash law has just signed into law Arizona Leash Law LL-13. The governor said that she just got sick and tired o...
Read full storyNina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder Say That Taylor Swift's Hauntingly Beautiful Song "Safe And Sound" Is Their Favorite Song
CANCUN, Mexico - The two stars of the hit show The Vampire Diaries Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder were recently down in Cancun, Mexico taking a much needed break from all of the hustle and bustle of LaLaLand. Dobrev and Somerhalder stayed at the...
Read full storyMy Top 10 Reasons for Drinking Too Much
10. According to my horoscope, that's what I was supposed to do. 9. My dad drank too much. 8. My girlfriend drinks too much. 7. Being sober around drunk people sucks. 6. Dry heaves are almost as good as crunches - and that's on top of my smoker's cough! 5. Artists, musicians and writers always drink too much - that's just the way it is. 4. I'm tired of feeling left out. 3. I'm...
Read full storyRingling Brothers Circus Sues Democrats And Republicans Over Who Has The Right To Use The Title "Greatest Circus On Earth".
Ringling Brothers Circus is suing both the Republican and Democratic Parties for infringements on the copyright claim of running 'The Biggest Circus In The World'. The Ringling Brothers, for a century the largest traveling circus on the circuit, is...
Read full storyAngelena Has 'Doubts'
Even Angelena Jolies has her serious doubts. During a live video web chat with Carrie Eclaire Thursday, the 36-year-old beautiful bomb shell revealed that she had a "complete nuclear meltdown" minutes before production began on her directorial deb...
Read full storyMuch Ado About Michelle Obama: What Becomes an Angry Black Woman Most (Allegedly)?
WASHINGTON - In a somewhat carefully calculated, yet decidedly overheated (with chance of a major talk to the hand) response to recent publicized assertions that she's something of an altogether looser than usual canon around the White House, First L...
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