Local Man Infuriated As He Gets Both Barrels From All Directions
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was reported as being so angry on Saturday evening that he could have ripped the head off a cuddly teddy bear. A seething Shuttlecock related that recently he seems to be getting shot at from all directions and claims...
Read full storyWorld's Best Footballer - Messi Or Ronaldo? - Local Man Gives Definitive Verdict
It's been acknowledged as the most difficult question in modern football - the sheer genius of the diminutive Argentinian, or the instinctive athletic artistry of the Portuguese? Who is the world's best footballer? The two went head to head last n...
Read full storyMitt Romney to Oprah: "My father had to eat dog food!"
Mitt Romney sat down with The Queen of Media on Friday to talk about polygamy, illegal immigrants, jobs being shipped to Mexico, dog kennels, and the indomitable spirit of his late father. Criticized for being even wealthier at birth than most Ame...
Read full storyPalace Inquest As Waxwork Dummies Perform Royal Visit
Buckingham Palace has reluctantly admitted that a Royal Visit didn't feature Prince William or Kate Middleton, but in actual fact their waxwork replicas. Suspicions were aroused when officials noticed the pair were unusually quiet and unco-operati...
Read full storyRoss Kemp's Nan's World Snooker Round-up: Day 1
Hello people, it's me - Ross Kemp's Nan here with the daily round up of The World Snooker Championship from the Crucible in Sheffield. I hope your stocked up on tea and biscuits as the tournament rolls on for seventeen days! Whoa! Heaven for snooker fans! Day 1 sees five matches get under way - including defending champion John Higgins against Liang Wenbo from China. He's come a long way! Lo...
Read full storyInchcock Inducted Into Spoof Hall Of Fame
Cyberspace/Nottingham - In a moving ceremony at 4.34am this morning on the banks of the Trent, tired and emotional Spoof writer Inchcock was inducted into the official Spoof Roll of Honor after becoming the first spoofer to officially write over 500 fake diaries. The 500th diary was published on Thursday when 'Willie' Hague described a tender moment with his personal assistant Julian. Other cel...
Read full storyBritain Battered By Weird Weather
Millions of plucky Britons were left reeling today, as the British Isles were battered by what can only be described as 'some really weird' weather. Health officials advised people to stay at home, unless going out is absolutely necessary. For tho...
Read full storyEdward Lear: The Dorking Poems, Pt I
Another selection from the fruitful harvest of Lear's Dorking years A deluded young vicar of Dorking Put a hen on his arm to go hawking. Though he hawked day and night, The prey simply took fright At the hen's dreadful flapping and squawking. A Mole Valley farmer one day Resolved he would live upon hay, So he sat on a cow And repeated his vow, Saying 'here with the catt...
Read full storySt George returns to slay the Dragon
London - A Cross of St George-emblazoned UFO piggybacking on Comet C/1861 G1 Thatcher has been spotted grandstanding over the Thames in London. It's the first time that the long-period comet has been seen directly above Blackfriars Bridge where '...
Read full storyAre Your Fish Getting Enough Exercise?
The problem with home aquariums is that they're too small and confining. The fish can't swim the natural distances they need to get sufficient exercise. I was thinking about this the other day when I realized that someone should invent a treadmill for fish. It can be called the Sea Master or the Fin Cycle or some other cute name. Some entrepreneur will work out the details, make an infome...
Read full storyEvolution v Creationism - Sorted By Local man
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a self confessed idiot and long time champion of the pork pie hat, today added his inconsiderable weight to the great Evolutionism v Creationism debate, which has been raging on, quite frankly, idiotic website, www.thes...
Read full story"Hull City Want To Relegate Nottingham Forest" - Barmby
Hull City manager Mr Nick Barmby has called for a ruthless performance from his football team in today's Championship match with Nottingham Forest, and has ordered his players to "beat Forest so heavily that they will be relegated", despite the fact...
Read full storyFenway Park: 300th Anniversary Already Being Planned
A few enterprising types tried their hands at creative writing yesterday, making predictions about the 200th anniversary of Fenway Park. As per usual, the amount of creative detail seemed to run to the adage "the more things change, the more they...
Read full storyVampire Diaries Star Ian Somerhalder Says His and Co-Star Nina Dobrev's Romance Is Hotter Than The Sun In Mexico!
CANCUN, Mexico - Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev stars of television's The Vampire Diaries flew down to Cancun, Mexico and spent three days having fun in the sun of the Mexican tropical state of Yucatan. Ian and Nina stayed at the luxurious Ole To...
Read full storyBerlusconi rejects sex orgy claim
Claims that former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi rejected a sex orgy have been called into question by his closest friends and acquaintances. They think it is 'highly unlikely' that the man they know as the self-proclaimed 'Italian Sealion' would tur...
Read full storyMurder at the Tesco Express Opens
London UK: Abigail Crispy's new play "Murder at the Tesco Express" opened at a small theater in the west end last evening to mixed reviews. This new murder mystery begins with the brutal murder of Nanny McFee, while she was standing on the quick q...
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