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Vagrant ejected from Commons claims to be an MP

House of Commons officials today apprehended a vagrant who they found asleep in the chamber on one of the Labour front benches. The man was escorted from the Palace of Westminster to loud protests by a phalanx of security men and it later transpir...

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Paxman to join Williams in the buff on TV

BBC Newsnight anchor Jeremy Paxman has said today that he will join newsreader Sian Williams in stripping off on air to uphold his principles. Ms Williams, a comely 43 year-old who shares the BBC Breakfast News sofa with the lumbering Bill Turnbul...

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BBC stars for 'Hand Relief'

The BBC today announced the names of the stars and celebrities who will be taking part in this years 'Hand Relief' - an annual wank-fest to raise money for good causes. Regular hand relievers like Chris Evans, Bruce Forsyth, Dale Winton and Adr...

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Dr Who disappears into 8 minute black hole

Soon-to-be-exterminated Dr Who - the actor David Tennant - caused a panic among his fans yesterday when he was not spotted on any televsion network for more than eight minutes. Worried supporters flooded the switchboards of all the major channells...

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Arsebook takes on Facebook

A new social networking site has been launched today to take on the mighty Facebook. 'Arsebook' will have a unique position in the networking jungle in that it will only permit photographs of drunken students showing their backsides to the camera.

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Alien life forms found in Gordon Ramsay's Face

Open University space-whiz Professor Colin Pilger says he believes there may be alien life forms living in the crevices on Gordon Ramsay's face. A crack team of OU scientists have been probing the dark fissures for several months and found a numbe...

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Jamie Oliver sectioned after TV Ad

Officials have detained celebrity chef Jamie Oliver and placed himn on a 'Care in the Community' programme after seeing his latest TV ad. A spokesman for the National Association For the Feeble Minded (NAFFEM) said:"It was obvious to everyone who...

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Katie Price quits jungle after anusfest

Eating a kangaroo's anus was the last straw for Katie Price, aka Jordan and she has now quite the celebrity jungle, with a bitter riposte that "everything there was shit or if it wasn't shit it was an actual shitter." With an invaluable week's wor...

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Set fire to Wogan event for Children in Need

The BBC's Children in Need Appeal hopes to raise millions of pounds today from donations towards the 'Burn the bloody Irishman' event to be held at midnight on Hampstead Heath, north London. Viewers and listeners are asked bid for the privilege of...

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New Olympic Sport Announced

A new Olympic sport has been announced that is set to debut at London 2012. 'Jumping on the Bandwagon' will be open only to established politicians, although officials are believed to be considering an exception for Simon Cowell and Katie Price.

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PM and the one-eyed trouser snake

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today 'apologizered' for the letter he wrote to the mother of a dead war hero that contained a number of schoolboy 'misteaks'. He told Mrs Janes (he had written to Mrs James) that because he only had one eye - his right...

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St James' Park Renamed

The famous old football stadium Saint James'Park - home of Newcastle United - has now been renamed in a multi-million pound deal that will ensure regular income for the signwriters and souvenir makers. From January next year it will be known as: "...

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Coleen Rooney gives birth to small car

Coleen Rooney, wife of soccer legend Wayne Rooney, today gave birth to a healthy miniature Aston Martin Volante convertible after a difficult 24 hour confinement. The Aston, weighing in at around 8lbs, was reported to be a tasteful shade of sugar-...

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Rafa Benitez subs wife during Sunday Lunch

Liverpool Manager Rafa Benitez reportedly substituted his wife yesterday while she was half way through cooking an important Sunday lunch for a group of his English 'amigos'. According to other guests at the Spaniard's palacial Cheshire Villa, Mrs...

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Gordon Brown offers naming rights for number 10

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today announced that the government will sell the naming rights to Number 10 Downing Street in a bid to raise much-needed cash for the ailing British economy. The successful bidders will be able to incorporate their...

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"Shoot-your-own" baboon restaurant opening soon

Macho foodie critic A A Gill is to open his own restaurant in the monkey enclosure at London Zoo. Called The Funky Gibbon it will offer diners a new opportunity - to shoot their own dinner. Guests, who will be CRB checked, and must own a firearm...

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Jordan not related to Jordan

Ex-formula one racing boss Eddie Jordan has today denied that he is the father of the model with whom he shares a name. Mr Jordan issued a statement via his PR company, Sharp and Mendacious Associates, at noon today saying: "I have been forced to...

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Griffin denies farting during Question Time

Funny story: Griffin denies farting during Question Time

BNP leader Nick Griffin denied this morning that he had farted loudly during the recording of Question Time last night. Sound engineers were combing through the videotape to try and ascertain who had produced the loud rumbling bottom explosion ten...

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Breaking news…

The House of Representatives Passes First Bill: Build a Wall...

...around the Oval Office.
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