The BBC's Children in Need Appeal hopes to raise millions of pounds today from donations towards the 'Burn the bloody Irishman' event to be held at midnight on Hampstead Heath, north London.
Viewers and listeners are asked bid for the privilege of setting fire to the locquacious Irish broadcaster Sir Terry Wogan "in an effort to get rid of him once and for all".
The extremely annoying professional hiddly diddly oirish pain-in-the-arse will spend his final day doing what he does best - extracting money from hard-pressed BBC licence-payers while copping a hefty fee himself.
Other stars are giving their 'valuable' time free of charge in return for a hefty dose of prime-time exposure in which they can plug their latest record/play/TV show, and a team of female BBC newsreaders will damage their credibility as serious journalists forever by dressing in bondage gear and clunking around the stage at Television Centre tonight.
Thousands of cheering spectators - including pop singer George Michael and others dressed in colourful 'Hampstead Heath night gear' - are expected to attend the final event on the heath and cheer as the portly knight is transformed into a large pool of molten lard. The grand old knight will read extracts from the Janet and John books as he is sent on his final journey.
Of course, this is all just a joke. Give all you can by clicking here.