Hull City manager Mr Nick Barmby has called for a ruthless performance from his football team in today's Championship match with Nottingham Forest, and has ordered his players to "beat Forest so heavily that they will be relegated", despite the fact...
Chelsea star Didier Drogba proved last night that Barcelona could be beaten, and the use of football talent and knowledge was not even required to do so! The centre forward spent the majority of last nights game rolling around on the floor, clutch...
Team GB will win 27 gold medals at the Olympic Games, by far its largest haul in a century, according to an Irishman who drinks in a pub opposite the Olympic Site. Seamus O'Derekson, 49, from Bow Road, East London, says he plucked the figure out o...
Ashley Young, Man United's "high-diving" expert is so worried about the reverberations of his latest antics that he has ordered a back-pack parachute for the game against Manchester City. He knows that as soon as a Man City defender breathes on h...
Celtic boss, Neil Lennon, launched an astonishing attack on Scotlands referees yesterday evening after his team was dumped out of the Scottish cup. The tipping point appears to have been the controversial penalty awarded to their semi-final oppone...
A sensational victory at doomed Doncaster on Saturday means struggling Portsmouth managed to stave off relegation for another week. As Bristol City only managed a draw at Birmingham, cash-strapped, in-administration Pompey still have a mathematica...
Manchester City last night insisted that their title tilt is over, at least for this season. Manager, Roberto "Boom Boom" Mancini, former world champion boxer, composer, scarf wearer, and fashion model told the press. "Is finished," he said. Bu...
Fashion experts were today proclaiming the Andy Carroll haircut as the new Fernando Torres. Speaking at Wembley Fashion Weekend - where Carroll showcased his trademark ponytail haircut by connecting his head to a football and putting it into the...
Animal rights have promised to investigate a report of animal cruelty in the Norfolk area, after rumours on twitter of canaries being savaged by a group of rich playboys known as 'Man City'. The group hail from Argentina, Italy, Holland and other...
A top football pundit was under doctor's orders this afternoon following Manchester City's demolition of Norwich City. The Manchester outfit walloped the Canaries 6-1 at Carrow Road, with former outcast, Carlos Tevez, netting a hat-trick. But t...
A top sports pundit has told the BBC and Sky to shut up about Glasgow Celtic and the Scottish FA Cup. "It's hilarious, isn't it" laughed EIF News & Features sport editor Thelonious Adidas, after watching the BBC's Football Focus today. "The...
Former Premier League and 2008 FA Cup winners, Portsmouth, face the possibility of relegation to the third tier of English football today. Proud Pompey will go down to the confusingly-named Division One if they fail to better Bristol City's result...
After Paul The Octopus took the 2010 World Cup by storm by correctly picking the winner in eight successive world cup matches upto and including the final, Sloof Sport News today discovered a meerkat is now attempting to repeat the feat starting with the FA Cup semi-finals. Mystic Mikhov the Meerkat is A cousin of Russian Meerkat Alexsandr, who viewers may know from the Compare The Meerkat webs...
Not everybody was surprised by Wigan Athletic's 1-0 victory over a rather lethargic Manchester United last night. Or by the good grace with which Sir Alex accepted the loss. "Manchester United were awful last night," said pundit, Mark Sleepyhead.
There was a shock at Old Trafford on Sunday as Manchester United were denied a penalty after Ashley Young's blatant dive. After the match, Sir Alex "Cheating Wanker" Ferguson was incensed, saying "I haven't seen the replay but that was a certain pena...
Spoof writers have been roundly condemned by the Archbishop of Dorking for repeatedly writing reams of absolute drivel about how crap Manchester City and Liverpool are at football. "There's way too much of this bollock-toss on the site at the mome...
A delegation of Liverpool FC officials arrived at the Etihad Stadium today bearing a massive 'thanks' for the players and staff of Manchester City. In what was no less than a meeting of the 'massives' the Liverpool delegation expressed their etern...
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