London - "It's all part of the Mayan Calendar prediction that the News of the World will end on Sunday!" gobsmacked Sky-watch sources complained this afternoon. The dawn raid arrest of the Daily Star's royal scatology - er...eschatology - correspo...
Monaco - The stargazer's advice is widely credited with being behind the knockout blow delivering Harris from 'dire' nuptials to octogenarian viagra guzzler Hugh Hefner. It saw delicious 25 year-old blond Playboy model Crystal jilt 85 year-old Hef...
London - Visiting Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao took the announcement 'on the chin' as British astrologers issued their warning at crunchtime today. The gung-ho PM has steadfastly stonewalled on years of Hellfire Club, Triad gangster and Pyongyang co...
London - A massive killer bee colony that terrorised much of New York during last week's Lunar Eclipse has suddenly materialised in London. Millions of the angry insects congregated near the Apple Store in Regent Street, the flagship shopping mall...
London - Eurozone gravytrain committee astrologers have laughed off Prince Philip's demands for an immediate 12bn euro ($17bn/£10bn) austerity handout. A Brussels statement issued today said he should join his wife Queen Elizabeth in a voluntary b...
New York - Millions of bees are converging on New York ahead of Wednesday's lunar eclipse. Swarms have been spotted flying in bizarre geometric formations likened to crop circle patterns seen in the UK's Wiltshire/Hampshire UFO beltway. Yesterd...
New York - A mystery underwater craft has been spotted close to the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge by New York Harbor ahead of Wednesday's lunar eclipse. Observers say it may have been surveying the site of a shelved 1990s project to build a massive $40...
Berkshire - A new twist beckons on the June 1st solar eclipse that fooled Queen Elizabeth into backing her third-rate Derby no-hoper Carlton House. Wednesday's eclipsed full moon is likely to do just as much damage to royal mug punters determined...
Man, in order to foretell or control the future, uses many tools and ways: talismans, sorcery, astrology, numerology, palmistry, astrolabe, beads, sneezing… Palmistry, dating back to the time of Aristotle, (384-322 B.C.E.), is still practiced to foretell the future. For instance: "Well, sir", said Colonel Hllandate, "first I have to give you a background. The key to Sarkhan-and several...
Epsom - The Queen's runner Carlton House is whors de combat tonight ahead of shifting starry patterns before the big race. Antepost punters were already wary this morning as news of its sprained ankle took the market by storm. Now the rapidly c...
London - There's a zero chance that Wednesday's apocalyptic eclipse will see the Queen drop dead from sudden-onset terminal flatulence, a Palace blogger posted today. "Yeah, it's much likelier to be cucumber sandwich poisoning," royal kitchens sou...
Oakland, Ca - A California UFO may be trying to make contact to warn about a predicted massive earthquake around June 1st's Gemini solar eclipse. The three-pronged aerial light formation, mimicking the geometry of the Summer Triangle asterism, has...
Reykjavik - "As seismological blow jobs go this one's the biggie," astrologers are warning about Wednesday's occultation. "Think 'Vesuvius' plus 10,000 years' worth of seismic celibacy!" A dozen Icelandic volcanoes may be affected as the eclips...
London - Astrological glyphs for a sun/moon occultation have sprung up, crop circle-like, on Carlton House Terrace lawns ahead of Wednesday's Gemini solar eclipse. The 11 degrees Gemini phenomenon occurs at the best possible angle to the the plane...
London - An octogenarian US preacher's terrifying May 21 Judgement Day vision is little more than a classic Uranus/Saturn opposition psychosis. That's the consensus among astrologers who are reminding the public that Harold Camping's botched Septe...
Rome - (Jesus Wept News): A 'spolier' prediction by cabinet-maker and amateur seismologist Raffaele Bendandi has rattled the Vatican. The wannabe seer reckoned that today, May 11th's astrological alignments would spark the Big One, razing the Eter...
Just in time for Spring and Summer, the Astrological Star Society based in Jackson Hole, Wyoming has expanded its customized translations for the workforce by including specialized astrology readings for working class women and men in the Crack Whore profession. Starting in May, the A.S.S. will publish new insight gleaned from the stars to guide your personal and professional lives. The stars are...
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