[It's November 18, 2016. An announcer off stage yells out: "Ladies and Gentlemen! The President-elect of the United States - Donald Trump!" Trump walks on stage as an orchestra plays "Hail To The Chief."] "Thanks everyone, and thanks to all of you who voted for me last week. As for the rest of you, all I can say is, you're not welcome here any more, and maybe you should think about moving...
My friend, I very happy you doing so well running for president of United States. I very confident you winning in November. Then we can unite our two countries and make strides to domin . . . to lead free world. But first, I must give advice. Is good advice, from my own experience in becoming president, premier and president of Russia. Is good you throw protestors out of rallies, but better...
Congratulations on the purchase of your earth-friendly StaGreen™ all electric snowblower! Assembly of your new StaGreen™ snowblower should take no more than thirty minutes, following these simple instructions. WARNING! Do not attempt to plug your StaGreen™ snowblower into a wall outlet inside your house: if the selector switch is in the ON position the blades may rota...
[According to the website of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the U.S. firearm homicide rate is 20 times higher than the combined rates of 22 countries that have similar wealth and population.] Quick - there's not a minute to lose! Prompt action to keep out those foreigners is the only thing that will save us! They're coming from some lawless place that is wracked with violence, wh...
Young Frankenstein, starring Dr. Ben Carson as the son following in the footsteps of his father, the infamous scientist, with Carly Fiorina as his sweetheart Inga, Ted Cruz as the doctor's hunchbacked assistant Igor, and Donald Trump as the monster with the abby-normal brain. Here is a preview: Dr. C: Inga, what are you doing? Carly: Roll, roll, roll. I am rolling in the $42 million in seve...
Quince: Is all our company here? Trump: We don't need anyone else: I can play all the roles. Quince: You are set down for Pyramus. Trump: I'll play him, and Thisby, too. And the wall, and the lion. Quince: You can play no part but Pyramus . . . Trump: You watch - I'll be great. They'll love me, even in Iowa. Quince: But . . . Trump: Not only will I be great as Pyra...
"Well, Vladimir, you have a most impressive resume. I see that you started in the mail room at the KGB, worked your way up to the top of that organization, and then stole the entire country. Just exactly what is the secret to your success?" "Is very simple, Roger. I may call you Roger? Secret is people are sheep, I am wolf. Wolf have no rules. Is natural order for wolf to eat sheep. So,...
Did we lie about emissions from our diesel engines? That's not a fair question, not at all. In fact, the entire format of this . . . this inquisition is unfair! It is typical of the liberal media to play gotcha with questions like that. That's why we should be allowed to do our own testing, and just hand over our results to the EPA. In the future, that's the only basis on which we'll...
WHAT A WEEK! [After his masterful leadership of the House of Representatives in passing a funding bill for the Department of Homeland Security, Speaker John Boehner grants an interview to a roomful of reporters from around the world.] Al Jazeera: Mr. Speaker, wouldn't you say that a legislative body that can only pass a one-week funding bill is dysfunctional? Boehner: Not at all. In fact...
[The New York Times, Sept. 23, 2015] WASHINGTON - Welcomed with a fanfare of trumpets and a chorus of amens, Pope Francis introduced himself to the United States on Wednesday with a bracing message on climate change, immigration and poverty that ranged from the pastoral to the political. "I and my family are practicing Catholics, and I have the greatest respect for Francis, but the Pope isn't...
FOR THE BILLIONAIRE WHO HAS EVERYTHING, why not pick up a presidential candidate? There has never been a better time to buy your own candidate for president of the United States. For a mere US$ two hundred million you can have your pick of several younger candidates, or, for an extra hundred million you can choose a more experienced model, with plenty of mileage still left on the clock. All...
[The candidates speak out at a town meeting in Plumbucket, New Hampshire . . .] "You know, Jeb, that's just the stupidest thing I've ever heard, that illegally crossing the border is 'an act of love.' Where did you get that from, one of your wife's relatives?" "Yeah? It's funny you should say that, Ted, since you weren't even born in this country. How about you show us your birth certifi...
[AT A PRESS CONFERENCE IN IOWA] . . . and the third part of my plan to stop illegal immigration involves the erection of a new stadium on the U.S. - Mexican border. It'll be called the Trump Coliseum, and it'll have a separate entrance for those people who own one of the condos that will be included there as a part of the complex, as well as a multiplex theater, at least two three star restauran...
Republican National Committee is seeking qualified candidates for nomination for President of the United States in 2016. No prior experience necessary. Dear RNC: In response to your ad, please consider me a candidate for the Republican nomination for President in 2016. Although I have never held elective office, you can see from the enclosed resume that I have a long list of accomplishmen...
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