A Look Back In Homage To John Boehner

Written by Philip J. Moss

Thursday, 1 October 2015


[After his masterful leadership of the House of Representatives in passing a funding bill for the Department of Homeland Security, Speaker John Boehner grants an interview to a roomful of reporters from around the world.]

Al Jazeera: Mr. Speaker, wouldn't you say that a legislative body that can only pass a one-week funding bill is dysfunctional?

Boehner: Not at all. In fact, I'd say just the opposite. You look at what's wrong with the way that the Democrats have been doing things, passing laws that go on and on, without any sunset provision. They just create problems down the line.

BBC: Can you furnish some examples, Mr. Speaker?

Boehner: Sure. Take the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It's over fifty years old, and it's totally unnecessary, same as the Voting Rights Act, now that discrimination based on race is a thing of the past. Just ask Chief Justice Roberts. Or, take the Fair Labor Standards Act. It's been around for what, eighty years? It's way outdated, but we're stuck with it.

BBC: I see what you mean, but can't the Congress simply increase the minimum wage?

Boehner: You totally miss my point. Wal-Mart has just raised wages for all its employees, above the minimum wage set by federal law, proving that we don't need a minimum wage any more. Let the free market set wages!

MSNBC: But surely you're not proposing that our government can function on a week-by-week basis?

Boehner: Absolutely it can. Take Russia. They used to have five-year plans. No longer. President Putin decides on a day-to-day basis what the government is going to do.

MSNBC: Are you suggesting that President Obama should follow Putin's example? Won't members of your caucus have some objection to that?

Boehner: Well if ands and buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.

[Soon governments around the country and the world are striving to emulate Speaker Boehner's brilliant strategy.]

Associated Press. The Mayor and City Council of the City of Los Angeles voted today to pass a budget for city services for the next week, declaring that it would be imprudent to pass a budget for more than a week at a time.
. . .
Reuters. The Chancellor of the Exchequer announced today that Her Majesty's government has submitted a budget to the House of Commons for the coming week.
. . .
LeMonde. [Translated from the French] President Hollande has called upon the National Assembly and the Senate to enact a budget of no more than six days. "Our national honor demands that we not be outdone by the English and the Americans. Our workweek is less than theirs, so our budget must also be shorter."
. . .
Huffington Post. The City of Stockton, CA has passed a budget for the next twenty-four hours, and it is expected to be approved by the federal Bankruptcy Court.

[The one exception . . . ]

Fox News. The Islamic State has issued a press release stating that its Caliphate will rule by Sharīʿah law for the next ten thousand years.

[copyright © Philip J. Moss all rights reserved]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more