FOR THE BILLIONAIRE WHO HAS EVERYTHING, why not pick up a presidential candidate?
There has never been a better time to buy your own candidate for president of the United States. For a mere US$ two hundred million you can have your pick of several younger candidates, or, for an extra hundred million you can choose a more experienced model, with plenty of mileage still left on the clock. All models are guaranteed to favor lowering taxes, and are pre-programmed to point out to reporters that they are not scientists. You can further customize your candidate by choosing from the following option packages*:
OPTION PACKAGE #1: Candidate will
- oppose abortion in all cases, even in cases involving rape or incest, or to save the life of the mother;
oppose any deal with Iran
oppose a carbon tax.
OPTION PACKAGE #2: All of Option Package #1, plus, candidate will:
promise to complete the wall on the Mexican border within 12 months;
promise to approve the Keystone pipeline.
OPTION PACKAGE #3: All of Option Packages 1 and 2, plus, candidate will:
promise to invade Syria;
promise to re-invade Iraq, or another country of your choosing.
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*Prices available to qualified buyers on request.
Candidates are easily domesticated, so consider purchasing a candidate for that certain, special loved one. Order now and get a vice-presidential candidate for no extra charge (just pay shipping and handling).
Buyers must present valid proof of U.S. citizenship. Offer void where prohibited.
