An animal rights organization (ARO) which shall remain nameless (it's best not to encourage them!) frequently makes outrageous claims, features celebrity spokespersons, makes false comparisons, and showcases relatively well-known celebrities. (The celebrities are the main reason I enjoy checking out this organization's posters: most of them are not only young, beautiful, and female, but they're al...
My wife's in the other room, working on crafts, so I'm free to address a concern I have about Playboy models, especially those of the 1960s (although my concern really includes Playmates of every year). What's my beef? The absurd conditions or situations under which the magazine's photographers expect Playboy “readers” (read “voyeurs”) to believe (or to pretend not to disbelieve) woman—or Playmate...
FRESNO, CALIFORNICATE — When officials refused to allow “The Star-Spangled Banner” to be sung at the championship match between the football teams of George Washington High School and Thomas Jefferson Preparatory School, played in Fresno State Univer...
HOLLYWEIRD, CALIFORNICATE — Although “Solo Sex: A Star Whores Story” is, by some accounts, “the worst movie ever made,” the news media feel obliged to cover the gooey mess, since Diznee Studios spends a lot of money advertising such fare in newspape...
WHITEWASHINGTON, DC — The secret design for the Baroque Insane Obummer Unpresidential Libary was approved by the Windy City, officials saying the plans passed the “smell test.” However, the library faces funding challenges. “Nobody wants to pay fo...
Beaver Pelt, Canada — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who recently tried to upstage the Statue of Liberty's invitation to the “teeming masses” of the world's “wretched refuse,” announced, to the world (but particularly to South Americans) that any and...
Like nudism itself, nudist colony memberships are in decline around the world. "Not many people want to parade around in front of strangers--or behind them, for that matter," Grumpy Baer whined. Reporters who get laid, uh, paid for publicizing nud...
New Yawk, New Yawk--iN Be Cee, which replaced Brian Williams with Megan Kelly, whom they stole from Faux News, may be headed to court for reporting fake news, a category of journalism "filler" usually reserved for Cee iN iN and Mmm eS iN Be Cee. T...
Ft. Leavenworth, KS -- As one of his last acts of office, President Baroque Insane Obummer commuted the sentence of Private First Class (PFC) Bradley "Chelsea" Manning, 29, who was serving a 35-year prison sentence for leaking 750,000 classified mili...
Brooke Shields was born of Teri (nee Schmon), her husband, Frank, providing the sperm. A "human mutt, and a bitch, at that," as she calls herself, Shields comes of Italian, French, Irish, English, German, Scotch, and Welsh bloodlines. (Her ancestors really got around and, apparently, got along well with virtually everyone.) She claims her lineage includes various royals and nobles, but neither...
Ray Douglas Bradbury, the spawn of Esther (nee Moberg) Bradbury and her husband, Leonard Spaulding Bradbury, is descended from a witch, Mary Bradbury, who was tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged in Salem, Massachusetts. However, using witchcraft, she escaped the noose and lived to age 85. Bradbury's warped view of the world was inspired by her example, he said, attributing his macabre fan...
Somewhere Over the Rainbow, USA -- After Olympics swimmer Bruce ("The Deuce") Jenner, Breakfast of Champions, announced his new identity as a "woman" named Caitlyn, the name has become more unpopular with parents of newborns than any other girls' nam...
Cartouche, ancient Egyptian for "cartoon," is an oval comic strip panel that came into use during ancient Egypt's Fourth Dynasty, under the rule of Pharaoh Sneferu. Most cartouches are displayed horizontally on the stone tablets in which they were engraved. (Paper, other than papyrus, did not exist at the time, because ancient Egyptians were a "primitive society" without sophisticated technolog...
Never Never Land, CA --- The late Michael Jackson's estate, Never Never Land, named for Neverland, the fantasy island on which "lost boys" never become men, was the singer's home and, according to "unproven" allegations, the site of several molestations by "Wacko Jacko," as Jackson is also known. Supposedly, Wacko molested several preteen males who stayed at Never Never Land as his overnight "gues...
DULUTH, GA ---- Bob Twat bogeyed two of the last three holes during his play at Friday's PGA Tour Champions' Mitsubishi Electric Classic. "It's disappointing that I actually hit two nice shots on 7 and 9," he said. "Otherwise, I'd be even further...
Minneapolis, Minnesota ---- As part of its "population control program," discount retailer Targette, which has already equipped its stores with transgender bathrooms, "because," as the company's CEO, Brian C. "Big Bri" Cornhole, explained to star rep...
Aging comedienne Chelsea ("Man") Handler was born to the lovely Rita, meter maid, and Seymour, a used car salesman, while they were living in sin in Livingston, New Joisey. As a child, Handler says she felt like an "impostor." All her high school friends drove a Porsche or a Lamborghini, but she "went to school in a BMW." Her father was a Jew, her mother a Mormon, so, naturally, Handler was rai...
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