Hollyweird's Hottest: Chelsea Handler

Written by Gee Pee

Thursday, 13 April 2017


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Handler: "I'm tired of being the butt of my jokes."

Aging comedienne Chelsea ("Man") Handler was born to the lovely Rita, meter maid, and Seymour, a used car salesman, while they were living in sin in Livingston, New Joisey. As a child, Handler says she felt like an "impostor." All her high school friends drove a Porsche or a Lamborghini, but she "went to school in a BMW."

Her father was a Jew, her mother a Mormon, so, naturally, Handler was raised as a Jewess. After undergoing female circumcision, she had a Bat Mitzvah ceremony, after which her parents pronounced her ready to marry.

But Handler had other plans.

At age 19, she moved to La La Land to "pursue a career in acting," but found herself working as a waitress, instead. At 21, she decided to try stand-up comedy after she told a story, which made both her friends laugh at her.

She was hired to play a blonde bimbo in several television shows and series, making friends with several "D-list" "celebrities." She also wrote several bargain-bin books, including A Collection of One-Night Stands and Bang, Bang, Thank You Ma'am, a memoir of her "horizontal days." Her star went super-nova after a dozen of her sex tapes were "leaked," and she appeared, fully clothed, in Playboy.

She has since appeared nude more times than she (or anyone else) cares to remember, and just in the nick of time, too, because, at age 42, her breasts aren't what they used to be in their earlier days. "The 'girls' have gone from pert and pretty to fat and floppy," she admits. Topless, she has modeled as a body double for Russian president Vladimir Putin, who also often goes topless.

Recently, Chandler has become active as a political activist. "I don't get many calls, for either an actor or a comedienne, anymore, so I figure what worked for Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger will work for me, too. After all, even at 42, I'm prettier than either, and I have bigger, flabbier boobs than both." She paused. "That's a joke."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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