Written by Gee Pee

Thursday, 20 April 2017


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Cartouche
The only image acceptable in a family-oriented news source

Cartouche, ancient Egyptian for "cartoon," is an oval comic strip panel that came into use during ancient Egypt's Fourth Dynasty, under the rule of Pharaoh Sneferu.

Most cartouches are displayed horizontally on the stone tablets in which they were engraved. (Paper, other than papyrus, did not exist at the time, because ancient Egyptians were a "primitive society" without sophisticated technology and were too stupid to convert trees into paper.) However, cartouches could also be positioned vertically, if need be.

The position of the cartouches was determined by the scenes they depicted. Vagina or anal intercourse, for example, was usually displayed in a horizontal cartouche, whereas fellatio was often depicted in vertical cartouches.

Cartouches, cut from the stone that bore them, were also sometimes worn as necklaces, but only by pharaohs. Their use as jewelry is believed to have signified their wearer's sexual prowess, and, for that reason, became a sign of good luck, as the pharaoh was said to have gotten "lucky" in having had sex with a woman, often his sister or a temple prostitute. A cartouche cut in half signified coitus interruptus.

Not counting the cartouches depicting scenes with prostitutes, Pharaoh Sneferu wore thirteen, each of which represented one of the unions with his sister-wife, Hetepheres I: his eight sons Phukyu, Anylbornn, Kanedazz, Preferdmate I, Nuttsack, VavaVoom, Randii I, Iynhimm, and his five daughters: Heteosecskhyual A, Nefertakn I, Nefersayzno, Herpes I, and Heifer.

Pharaoh Sneferu built a lot of pyramids and had foreign relations with the queens of Libya and Nubia. He also enlarged his contingent of sex slaves by capturing enemies' sons and daughters.

He considered introducing a diagonal cartouche to depict his same-sex sexual exploits, but Hetepheres I dissuaded him, suggesting such depictions might be sen as "unseemly" by the jackal -god Anubis, who would weigh Sneferu's heart, after his demise, to determine whether he was worthy of being serviced in the afterlife.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more