Windsor - A service of thanksgiving for the mad old Queen Mum dropping dead 10 years ago poured cold water on predictions that Queen Elizabeth II will kick the bucket this Sunday. Apparently the psychotic centenarian's last actual words were "I'll...
London - The MoD confirmed today it was monitoring the flypast anthem ahead of Tuesday's Vernal Equinox. A tip-off from the International Space Station saw RAF jets scrambled to check out intelligence taht an alien mothership is about to suck up i...
London - Some spectral hexoplasm shaped like a sleepwalking Kate Middleton has slid out from the Queen's vagina sending terrified royal flunkies stark raving bonkers. The apparition emanated in the monarch's bedchamber close to midnight after a tr...
Surviving inhabitants of a Hertfordshire village bulldozed to make way for London's orbital motorway in 1973 have been given the green light to hold a reunion Diamond Jubilee street party - on the M25. The tiny hamlet of Botting was demolished and...
Cheltenham, Gloucs - Deprived of insider betting tips from jump racing's tipping grand masters Charlie and Rebekah Brooks the Queen went with her gut feeling this afternoon to back 20/1 no hoper Wishful Thonking. Witnesses say HM blithely placed a...
Television's flattest headed peddler of crap, Simon Cowell, is in advanced talks with the Queen in an attempt to convince her to be a judge on his new regality show, 'The HRH Factor'. Her majesty actually came up with the idea and pitched it to Co...
Due to an administrative error the Queen has been booked for a tour of Iran to celebrate her sixty years sitting on her throne. The mistake was caused by a clerical officer misreading her direction to book the Queen for a journey on a train. His eyes...
With many British businesses being forced to reduce their prices by around 75% in order to get any customers through their doors at all, the latest news is that on Wednesday Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt will be announcing the government's latest sna...
Cardiff - Welsh Nationalist seers have laughed off suggestions that Queen Elizabeth will actually ever open the London 2012 Games. Their St David's Eve seance at Caernarfon Castle saw some spooky funereal hexoplasm materialise to answer queries ab...
The Queen was said to be 'most excited' today as she welcomed some guests to her Buckingham Palace home. But these guests were not dukes and earls - they were the wrestling stars of WWE. In an attempt to boost the royal coffers to finance her Diam...
London - Some royal corgis missing since Burns Night have turned up in the Thames near the 40-tonne Archimedes screw turbine installed at Romney Weir to provide electricity for Windsor Castle. A river patrol source described Fifi, Edwina and Kar...
This year, 2012, is the Queen's Diamond Jubilee year. We asked famous bonkers celebrity chef Heston Blooming-Tal to come up with a recipe to celebrate her Queening anniversary, just like whoever it was who came up with Coronation Chicken in 1952. First Heston considered swan, but the legal department made it clear that there would be complications. Then he thought about lion, and again had to b...
Windsor, Berks - They're the House of Windsor's equivalent of Dale Farm trailer trash and have camped out in royal palaces since World War II. A London 2012 announcement confirmed this morning that 300 pitches have been earmarked for them between...
Two men paddled furiously, the canoe making little headway. a scorching sun, high in the sky, bore down on thier backs, making the task arduous and painful. "We've run out water sir!". Shouted private Parts. "Dam!" Replied Colonel Colon. "We will have to drink our own urine until we can find a stream of pond, dig in Parts!" "No sir! I mean we have run out of river, there is no more water...
London - The Queen's face turned puce this morning as flunkeys revealed the ID of the 'Secret Valentine' being parachuted in by human frights lawyers to dinner at the Palace tomorrow night. Apparently it's part of the rehabilitation of fat extremi...
For want of something constructive to do between tours, reject X-Factor 'judge' and would be singa' Gary 'shortarse' Barlow has been given the job of cobbling together yet another Royal Concert. In preparation for the upcoming 'Diamond Jubilee Ro...
In a new book, 'Elizabeth the Queen, She's On The Throne', by royal biographer Sally Bedsheet-Vomit, Sally has revealed some of the items Her Majesty likes to carry around with her in her handbag. They include a crisply folded five, and ten pound not...
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