Windsor - A service of thanksgiving for the mad old Queen Mum dropping dead 10 years ago poured cold water on predictions that Queen Elizabeth II will kick the bucket this Sunday.
Apparently the psychotic centenarian's last actual words were "I'll see you in hell, Betty, on April Fools Day 2012."
The rant was dismissed by courtiers as light-hearted mumbo-jumbo brought on by a mix up in her dementia pills.
Doctors later found that the daft old dear had been in considerable internal discomfort following strangulation-like spasms from her colostomy bag.
"It made her strangely psychic - er...psychotic! - in matters of royal lineage conundrums," Lord Luce-Cannon explained today.
This morning's service saw most of the currently tally of House of Windsor Z-Listers preying away like mad that they'd got away with pulling off some spectacular Palace boiler room scams.
Only royal bratpack stooges William and Kate were absent from today's St George's Chapel ceremony after escaping Blighty for a skiing trip.
Later at a lavish Windsor Castle piss-up in the Queen Mother's former Rudolf Hess Memorial Wing suite HM announced she was in fine fettle and warned she'd be fining anybody speculating about her sudden onset RIP.
