Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Problem-Solving Equine in a Gallop Poll Dear Robert, I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do? Jim Carner Goodwood Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddle...
With This Week's Guest Editor: 20th Century Philosopher Of Being Martin Heidegger (James Corden says: "Top man! Being all over the media like a rash is so stressing. Jack Black introduced me to Heidegger's 'Überwindung der Metaphysik' on the set of Gulliver's Travels: it's the perfect way to touch base after a hard day feeding my already-bloated ego." Dear Martin, as a mature man, it is...
Dear Sally, Ever since my visit to the proctologist I have found myself liking the feeling and seeking out ever larger and rougher men. Is there a cure? Failing that, could you tell me where to find some nice big men who know how to treat me rough? Desperate of Nuneaton. Dear Desperate of Nuneaton, I'm afraid there is no cure. People like you should be in prison. That's where you'll find the...
Dear Dr Jon, A pensioner drove into the back of me at 2mph in Aldi car park. I've been watching cable telly, and I think I'll sue her, because, mysteriously, my neck's gone a bit stiff nine weeks later. Will you do a report? No I fucking won't. The least the bunch of Ambulance Chasers you've engaged to make money in your name can do is bother to find a shill themselves. Dear Dr Jon, Sorry I...
Dear Dr Jon, I have a slight cough and my doctor won't give me antibiotics. For some reason I am obsessed with getting antibiotics, mainly because my mum says I should have them, though neither of us know the difference between a virus and a bacteria. What shall I do? You should for just one sodding moment try to remember that there are people in hospital whose arms have fallen off due to anti...
Hello again everyone. I have in front of me a letter from a concerned patient, worried sick that he might be 'terminally ill'. Now, as you know, death is not a trifling thing, and is certainly not something we should be making fun of, but it happens to us all in the end, and we shouldn't be afraid to die. That's what I tell my patients if I think they are going to snuff it, anyway. The l...
Dear Auntie Hilda, I'm going through a really tough time at the moment in my home life. My father died a while ago and my mother remarried his brother shortly after (we even had the funeral meats at the wedding!). I keep being haunted by my father (literally), and this is having an effect not only on me, but everyone around me. I can't help thinking that it's possible my uncle killed by father...
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Irish Novelist, Short Fiction Writer and Postmodernist Dramatist SAMUEL BECKETT Samuel Beckett didn't bottle things up, certainly not when it came to writing all those novels, such as Molloy, Watt, and The Unnamable; shorter prose works like Imagi...
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Key 19th Century Literary Realist and Author of The Portrait of a Lady and The Turn of the Screw HENRY JAMES Henry James certainly couldn't be accused of bottling it up, with all those novels and stories under his belt, and all his incredibly long s...
DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE! DON'T BOTTLE IT UP! LET IT ALL OUT! "Readers Problems Answered" Is Here To Help With This Week's Guest Editor: Radical Poetic Innovator and Author of The Waste Land T S ELIOT T S Eliot didn't bottle it all up! He let it all out! Had he been a bottler-up, the world might never have seen The Dry Salvages or Ash Wednesday or Sweeney Agonistes (There's a lot to...
This Week's Guest Editor: Surrealist artist MARCEL DUCHAMP Dear Marcel, please can you help me? My grandad is in nursing care and my gran has been seeing another man at the day centre. I visit grandad in the home and he thinks gran still loves him. Grandad is coming out of the nursing home for Christmas Day and we are all going round to Mum's. I'm dreading Christmas dinner. Hayley, Gre...
Dear Supreme Court Justice Scalia, I recently got a got busted at an underage drinking party, do I have any chance of getting the charges dropped? --Dumb Ass Dear Dumb Ass, The framers of the Constitution didn't have your best intentions when they came up with laws that violate your rights as a child, but since you old enough to know that underage drinking means a chance of paying fin...
Dear Doctor Dorothy, Since being small, I have wanted to be pale and interesting. Unfortunately, I have always had a healthy complexion. Now I am a teenage emo, and I discovered if I give blood twice a day, I can get the complexion I desire. Slowly I am fitting in with my new friends. However, I find that I am losing all my energy, and I feel faint quite a lot. On top of this, I have lost the a...
Dear Doctor Dorothy. I recently had to visit a proctologist as I had an inflamed prostate. The examination was uncomfortable, but otherwise fine, however, since that examination, I cannot stop farting. Will this subside on its own, or should I go back to be vented? Yours, A R Strumpet of Levenshume. Dear Arse Trumpet. First off, there is no need to be coy about admitting your first h...
Dear Dr Hevitoff, I have suffered from Scrotum Scrototis for two years now and wondered if there was a cure. Yours Hopefully Malcolm Mundane Malcom, this is a rare condition that effects serial masterbaters. Go to the chemist and ask for a jelly glove, use when playing the pink oboe. Dear Dr Hevitoff, Recently, I found a lump on my back that seems to be getting bigger, is this...
Hey Hank, It's become a toss-up for me here and thought you could help out, if you want… I am and have been an atheist for most of my life. I just can't get into the whole swoony churchy thing. But, I have become a rather confirmed political convert and want to get a job in the next political campaign. I lean quite heavily to the right, so I need to know which church group would be the b...
Dear Hank, I'm pretty sure my sister in law totally wants me. She's gross, but I guess I'd still go make it happen if I thought my girl wouldn't find out. Doesn't matter. I'm conflicted. On the one hand it would be kind of interesting, but on the other hand my wife might find out. What should I do? Waiting Impatient, Houston Adjacent Dear WIHA, Just what the world needs--another u...
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