#4 - Ask Hank: Conservatives = Swoony Churchgoers

Funny story written by Charpa93

Tuesday, 20 July 2010


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image for #4 - Ask Hank: Conservatives = Swoony Churchgoers
See the guys in the back? All conservatives.

Hey Hank,

It's become a toss-up for me here and thought you could help out, if you want…

I am and have been an atheist for most of my life. I just can't get into the whole swoony churchy thing.
But, I have become a rather confirmed political convert and want to get a job in the next political campaign.

I lean quite heavily to the right, so I need to know which church group would be the best for me to join up with -Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian? Are there others? Also what ends should I expect to go to in establishing myself as a religious person?

Oh and one other thing, do I need to cover up that I am gay?



Dear B-2010,

Good news for you, buddy, you picked the right party to join. If ever there was a political party that allows you to say one thing and mean entirely the opposite, it's the conservative party, and we are damn proud of that fact. Why just look at some of our staunchest supporters like Rush Limbaugh, a Methodist-been married and divorced 3 times. So much for the sanctity of marriage. And Glenn Beck, Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. One of the mightiest lessons taught by the Mormons is "How can I politely get my message across?" Ever seen one of his shows? He's polite alright until you get a liberal in front of him. Oh how they crack me up with their antics. I love every dang one of them.

As far as religious persuasion goes, it's best to stick with the Christian faiths, with Catholic running just a tad ahead of Protestant. Stay away from non-denominational churches. As you can see by our own Sarah Palin, her beliefs tend to allow her too many liberties with the "thou shalt nots" such as having sex before being married and what not. (I know what you're thinking, how is that different than the hypocritical behavior of Limbaugh and Beck? I don't know, it just is…maybe cause she's a woman).

Now if you look up: "Proposed RNC Resolution on Reagan's Unity Principle for Support of Candidates," or the "RNC Purity Test," you may get a little scared because one of the principles is that they "support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act." What this means is they don't support gay. However, good news for you is that there are plenty of closet gays in the RNC (both parties actually) but the ones in the RNC are better because, well, they just are. Take Mark Foley, former Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, who just incidentally was charged with sending sexually charged e-mails to teenage boys in the Congressional page program for 10 years; and Larry Craig, the U.S. Senator who, throughout his career voted to refuse gay marriage, but was caught in an airport bathroom offering himself up to a male undercover cop. Why am I telling you this? Because it is perfectly ok if you might be gay. In fact, these guys will welcome you with open arms.

So, with that said, you don't have to go to any great lengths to convince anyone you are religious. Just show up at a convention and declare yourself say a Methodist or a Roman Catholic. If you are a forward-thinking person, make it Catholic, because when you get caught with your pants down during your run for Senate, and you will, most people will just say "oh, well, yeah, pity the poor soul. He probably learned that behavior as an altar boy."

By the way, what district will you be running in? So we can keep an eye out for you.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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