Letters from the Desperate

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 25 July 2011

image for Letters from the Desperate
More candles on their way

Dear Sally,
Ever since my visit to the proctologist I have found myself liking the feeling and seeking out ever larger and rougher men. Is there a cure? Failing that, could you tell me where to find some nice big men who know how to treat me rough?
Desperate of Nuneaton.

Dear Desperate of Nuneaton,
I'm afraid there is no cure. People like you should be in prison. That's where you'll find the men you seek. Do you think that the letters page of Children's Weekly is the right place to be sending your pleas for help to?

Dear Sally,
Living in St Jude the Austere nunnery is a life of purgatory for a woman such as me, what with no men allowed. This is not the issue. It is dark and cold here. Could you send candles?
Sister Desperate

Dear Sister,
Have you really used all those candles I previously sent? Ah well, more candles in the post.

Dear Sally,
I have tried every fad diet and intestinal parasite known to no avail. I still continue to gain weight. I feel no man will ever find me attractive unless I can lose more weight. Picture enclosed.
Yours desperately, Anne O'Rexick.

Dear Anne,
I have looked at the photo you sent, and once I realised that the marquee was in fact you in a dress, I have come to the conclusion that even if you were to lose eighty stone, men still would not find you attractive on account of you being hideously ugly. If I were you (and thank god I'm not) I would stay fat as it is an excuse for still being a virgin. I have enclosed a voucher for Pizza Pan I have cut from the paper.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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