In a closing remark at a press conference over the Memorial Day weekend, Tony Hayward, CEO of the Bp Corporation declared, "I want my life back." Reaction was immediate across the USA as tens of thousands gathered to mourn the loss of Tony Hayward's...
In a harshly worded statement Bill Clinton has denied that he ever offered Joe Sestak a job in the Obama administration. "That Ass," said Clinton, "I called him to ask how things were going and then jokingly asked if he would like a BJ in the W...
As oil started to gush out of faucets all over America and Lake Tahoe prepared to change its name to Lake Tarhole, US citizens began to realize the extent of the oil disaster on the gulf coast. In what many observers are calling, Obama's Katrina,the...
President Obama informed the government of France today that the US is returning portions of the Louisiana Purchase from the year 1804. Although the purchase included a vast amount of land other than the gulf coast states, Obama declared, "We had...
Rand Paul, candidate for the US Senate in Kentucky, has reportedly stated in a closed meeting of his supporters that "The only good Injun is a dead Injun." Of the one hundred constituents at the meeting, many were wearing coonskin caps and carrying l...
In what many observers are calling another attempt to make lemonade out of lemons, President Obama announced today that the gulf coast region has been designated a National mosh pit. The president stated, "In designating this area a national trea...
In what some sources are calling an effort to "make lemonade out of lemons," BP Oil announced today its entry into the soft drink market. "Bubble Up is a drink for all America," said the spokesperson. "It is not only good to drink, but its health...
In a just released video from the mountains of Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden has issued a statement that has rocked the world. Osama declares in the video the cessation of Jihad as the world knows it. He then waxed poetic quoting from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8...
In an overwhelming vote the membership of the Non-official Rifle Association approved a resolution yesterday to sell firearms to terrorists and illegal aliens. "Damn straight," said one member. Every man, woman, and child in America has the right...
As reporters gathered in the East Room today, they were startled that a full jazz band was seated at the front of the room complete with instruments and at the ready. When the two leaders of their countries stepped out of the curtains the band st...
Just when you thought it couldn't get more bizarre, reports are surfacing that the Rekers/Rentboy scandal is a hoax! Evidently, the two have been friends for a long time, and, although there has been a "relationship" between the two, Lucien RentB...
The Reverend George Rekers today vehemently denied that he had sex with a Rentboy. "I did NOT have sexual relations with that boy," declared Rikers. A reporter from the AP turned to a colleague and was heard to say, "Does that sound kind of f...
An embarrassed Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Napolitano, appeared before the press this morning and admitted that the Homeland Security Department, the FBI, the NYPD, and agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives(ATF), we...
As millions of Latinos celebrated Cinco de Mayo around the country today, The BP Corporation announced the Sinko de Gulf Coast Day. As thousands of BP lawyers descended on Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alabama with bottles of detergent, most folks alon...
BP - America's, "Bitter Pill," screamed the headline in the Louisiana newspaper. As the federal government and state officials pondered the tragedy of the gigantic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, finger pointing ran rampant. Only BP, one of the worl...
Jesus Christ was arrested just outside of Phoenix this morning by Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Arizona's famous racist Sheriff. Media outlets are reporting that Jesus and twelve companions were traveling to Phoenix when Arpaio stopped them on suspicion of bei...
As the executive from Goldman Sachs sat down at the witness table in front of US Senators yesterday, the air was tense. Before the cameras were turned on, including those of c-span the executive spoke directly to the assembled legislators. "N...
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