Angela Merkel: Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a new jacket. I fear that should I giggle when next Nicky (Sarkozy) tickles me, I will pop a button. Even two or three. President Sarkozy: Dear Père Noël, please bring me an inflatable doll but the doll must be as sexy as my dear little angel - Angela Merkel. She's German, but not to worry about that - Hitler's dead after all. Pope Benedict: D...
A checkout operator at Tesbury's on the High Street was arrested yesterday after "going postal" as her manager described it. It required four police officers to subdue Hilary Dale as she rampaged around the fresh produce section hurling fruit and...
London - Shoppers were being warned today to be on the lookout for a toxic crop of the reviled Christmas veg linked to a notorious flesh eating bug. Reports say the tainted sprouts may be the result of GM experiments into meat tenderizing technol...
A Friend of Delia Smith's has leaked a secret from the super chef's new book that is set to shock the world. That secret is a recipe for Roast Guinea Pig. Delia is said to think that this recipe will revolutionise Christmas dinners forever, and...
Little Miss Muffet Kids Magazine has just announced their list for 2011's Ten Least Popular Christmas Children's Books. The list was compiled by the magazine's Senior Executive Assistant Publisher Jefferson Dante Quickowitz. Mr. Quickowitz personally read over 800 children's Christmas books plus he texted, emailed, and called up 27 other top executives whose companies sell children's Christmas...
Chula Vista, Ca. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, but in hindsight maybe not so much. For two years in a row the Chula Vista public market has put on a "live" nativity scene the week before Christmas. The Delgado family, well known in th...
Several Brit supermarkets have been caught nicking from their punters by offering them "spoof" deals which are not quite what they seem. Many leading supermarket have been offering 1/2 price deals on many products leading up to the festive period...
The world's dullest man, Edgar Drone, from Basingstoke, today revealed that he is dreading the looming festive season. Drone, who once famously grumbled his way through an open air performance of La Traviata at Glyndebourne, seemingly without paus...
New anti-obesity laws that came into force at the start of December have rendered some cherished Christmas traditions politically incorrect. "The 'F' word has become more objectionalble than the 'N' word, the 'C' word or the 'G' word," said BNB Le...
At this festive time of year, it is customary to help those less fortunate than yourself. This year, the plight of atheists and evolutionists is at its most dire for years. Since the fable of evolution was swallowed up by the terminally gullible and stupid, the puzzle of the materialistic explanation for the origins of life has been one of the thousands of unanswered and ignored questions about...
The Go Compare Man, the irritating overweight mustachioed opera singer, is set to release a Christmas song next week, called Go Compare Christmas Songs, to challenge the traditional X-Factor number one. "There's a movement each year to stop X-Fact...
The War on Christmas took a bizarre new twist when Santa Claus turned up heavily armed at a gun club in Scottsdale, Arizona, on Monday. "I'm sick of being the nice guy, the soft touch," Santa declared. From now on, if you're naughty, forget coal -...
My woman Susan is a materialistic soul, but she is also a Vivica Fox lookalike and is thick as a block of government cheese, so you see why I would want to hold onto her. In fact, with the holidays approaching, I made up my mind to propose to her. However, before I could pop the question, she told me that we needed to sit down and have a talk. I assumed the worst: I would be dumped during the h...
Viagra, the 'little blue pill', will be white during the coming Christmas festive season. It will also be sold at a fraction of its current price. And one will be able to buy one pill at a time at the price of just 1cent. "It's our Christmas...
Don't get me wrong, because I really enjoy Christmas. It's a time out from work, a time to share with the family, a time to eat, drink, and be merry, and hold the real world at bay for a few days. Remembering all the while that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, and hopefully a time to stop the violence and insanity in the world, albeit temporarily. The flip side of this is th...
The annual War on Christmas has already taken its toll this year, with atheist billboards going up next to highways across the country, shocking the sensibilities of Christians on their way to Wal-Mart. But some Christians have found a way to fight b...
Protesters this morning braved freezing conditions as the Occupy Wall Street movement spread to the North Pole. Groups of elves were seen sitting and chanting anti-capitalist songs, while Santa Claus read from a prepared statement. "As the CEO...
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