Hello American People. I come here to challenge you. I allege that you're not really very funny. You just think you are. In reality you have very little concept of humour. You couldn't initiate a laugh in a farting contest. You're just too insular. Adam Sandler - not funny. Chris Rock - not funny. Eddie Murphy - execrable (see, we speak the language too) George W Bush - frickin h...
An e-mail traced back to Arthur Pewty by MI6 reveals that Arthur Pewty is unhappy with the Spanish government. Pewty states: 'I bought a bottle of 80 Black Absinthe at the festa de Merce in Barcelona and it says on the bottle, And I quote:Drink in moderation. It's your responsibility. 'This shit is 180 proof and 80% alcohol by volume. 'How the fuck can anyone be responsible when they'r...
A childhood friend of Neasden crime kingpin and gangster extraordinaire Arthur Pewty today called a press conference at the White Horse pub in Padiham near Burnley, Lancashire. The tension in the air was palpable as Mr Jimmy Bacon, of Stoops Estat...
Neasden hard-man, gangster, suspected murderer and organised crime kingpin Arthur Pewty emerged from his flat today looking dishevelled and decidedly unhappy. Pewty ran the media gauntlet based around his flat in Norman Wisdom Tower Village, Neasd...
In a sensational doorstep confession this morning, the alleged notorious Neasden organised crime kingpin Arthur Pewty admitted to having Iceland connections. In the wake of the collapse of the Icelandic banking system, Pewty released the following...
Legendary Neasden hard-nut,gangster and underworld crime kingpin Arthur Pewty granted us an exclusive interview concerning his thoughts on a variety of things. On Gordon Ramsay: Fair enough, he can cook a bit, but if he spoke to me like he speaks to some of them people on Hell's Kitchen I'd knock his sodding block off. On The Leaning Tower Of Pisa: It's not straight is it? It's not! It...
Beryl asked me one day if I fancied watching the Temptations live in concert. Of course I said yes, that would be great, so Beryl said not to worry about the arrangements as she had everything in hand. All I had to do was negotiate some time off work in order to fit everything in. So I approached Wayne, my team leader and requested the second half of Thursday's shift off, and the Friday followi...
I've just been reading an article in the paper where it states - and they're not ashamed of it - that forty eight percent of German men sit down to pee. I mean, what's that all about? Apparently the Germans think it's sophisticated to sit down for a piss. Well I'm very sorry Germany, but I think it's all a bit girly. I mean' all well and good if you want to do number twos as well. That's...
Burnley - 18/10/08 20:02PM BST - Straight off the wires - an ex friend of Arthur Pewty's, Mr Jimmy Bacon of Stoops Estate Burnley alleges that Arthur Pewty took home the fiancee of a mutual friend and indulged in some perverted hanky panky with her.
A Manchester man, Gary (Gazza) Grimshaw (No relation to Eileen off Coronation Street) today claimed that there had been some violence somewhere in Africa and that people were being shot with guns and mashed up with machetes, and that Arthur Pewty was...
What can only be described as a media feeding frenzy descended on the flat of Neasden crime boss Arthur Pewty just minutes ago as reports emerged of a possible health scare. The rumour mill went into overdrive with reports that Beryl Pewty had tel...
Infamous Neasden hard-man, gangster and underworld kingpin Arthur Pewty today came under fire from a childhood friend who claims that Pewty is a fake. Jimmy Bacon,53, of Stoops Estate Burnley Lancashire, a lecturer in anti-terrorism techniques at...
A professional pigeon scarer from Ardwick, Manchester, had a nightmare start to his working day when he discovered that his car, which had been street parked overnight, had been scratched all down one side leaving him with a hefty repair bill and a n...
Trouble was narrowly averted early yesterday morning in a Neasden 24 hour garage. The incident began at shortly after six am, when a scruffy looking woman who looked like she'd never clapped eyes on a bar of soap in her life started to dither at the...
In an unprecedented move earlier today an MI6 Public Relations Officer released a statement, admitting that Neasden hard-man and crime kingpin Arthur Pewty is under close surveillance. 'MI6 can confirm this morning that Mr Arthur Pewty of Neasden...
According to celebrity spiritualist medium Eddie Cosmos, the late Yootha Joyce, alcoholic star of TV sitcoms George And Mildred and Man About The House allegedly claimed that Neasden hard man and hard core gangsta Arthur Pewty groped her arse during...
Britain went into meltdown yesterday teatime following news that 53 year old ne'er do well Arthur Pewty was rumoured to be going out for a pint. RAF Fighter Command was put on standby, the SAS were recalled from leave, Gordon Brown convened an eme...
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