A childhood friend of Neasden crime kingpin and gangster extraordinaire Arthur Pewty today called a press conference at the White Horse pub in Padiham near Burnley, Lancashire.
The tension in the air was palpable as Mr Jimmy Bacon, of Stoops Estate Burnley agreed to spill the beans on Arthur Pewty, providing the press corps paid for the ale.
An extremely nervous looking Jimmy Bacon finally began to spill the beans on his former childhood friend after seven pints of Dutch courage.
Clearing his throat and cadging a roll up off a local, Jimmy Bacon announced:
'You want the low down on Arthur Pewty? I'll give you the low down on Arthur Pewty, he's a grandad, he's past it. He's got dodgy knees and he wears glasses. He's got a bad back. He's no Neasden gangster, he's just a sad old Billy-no-mates git. And despite what he says I did shag Beryl, and she said I was better than him because he couldn't give her them organamisms but I did.
'And if he wants to fight me, he knows where I am. Bring it on Pewty you big soft pretend southern wannabe ponce.'
At this point Jimmy Bacon slumped over the table unconscious before crashing to the floor.
A local man identified as Mr Keith Thresh then intervened, stating 'Jimmy Bacon is a prick, he's got no idea what he's on about. Arthur Pewty is a solid bloke. You're idiots for listening to this crap. I suggest you leave, while you still can. Know what I mean?'
At this point the assembled press corps beat a hasty retreat as things threatened to turn nasty.
More on Arthur Pewty and his response to this statement as we get it. Providing we ever get out of Padiham alive...