17. You walk by and notice that the other side of the "Closed" sign also says "Closed". 16. Photograph of Bank Founder on the wall that of Milburn Drysdale. 15. Sign by coffee says Free Coffee, (Foam cups $1 each) 14. Your free set of Matlock Episodes for opening a new account of $1,000 or more are on copied WalMart discs. 13. FDIC stands for "Food, Drink In Cooler", have a coke. 12...
Ten Reasons Why Western Women Are Better Than Asian Ladies 1. Western women recognize your drinking problem as their key to getting laid. 2. Western women make blindness seem less of a handicap. 3. Western women can shove the car home when it breaks down. 4. Western women can slap you into submission without using their hands (Thanks to the S n' M crowd for that one). 5. You can s...
You think an SUV might be too small to be safe. It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car. When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear a little crunch. It scares other drivers when you drive the speed limit. The only thing you pass on the road is the Amish. You use cruise control because your leg, if you have one, fell asleep. You use crui...
20. Painting the town Black & White 19. Barn Loft Bungie Jumps 18. First To Churn Their Butter 17. Reshaping elder's beard while he sleeps 16. Going Bonnetless from buggy while throwing beads 15. Buttermilk Chug-A-Lugs 14. Bucket of horse piss over barn doors 13. Horse Apple Fight 12. Sporting "Born To Raise Barns" Tee Shirts 11. Pulling A Skinny Dippin' All-Nighter...
CHOTEAU, Montana - The 61-year-old host of The Late Show with David Letterman has married his longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko, 48. The newlyweds exchanged vows on March 19, at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, a small town of about 1,700 residents northwest of Great Falls. Choteau is noted for three things, nothing, nothing, and nothing. Last November someone stole the to...
As cheesy, niceguy politicians like Barack Obama and Tony Blair, and even Gordon Brown, become more and more common, an antidote to the nausea they are creating was brought out today by the music industry - a CD, 'Ten Songs Of Hate', and this is the track listing: * 'All You Need Is Hate', The Beatles * ''Put Out My Fire With A Rusty Old Fire Extinguisher', The Doors * ''Wintertime In T...
You *can* get blood from a turnip. Some of nation's biggest doners come from the South. The character of Mr. Bill was created when Walter William's grandfather rolled over his toy Gumby with his wheelchair and little William shouted "Oh Shit!". He later change "Shit!" to "No!" Approximately one-tenth or a tithe of your life is spent trying to remember something. The skin on the average...
1)"Madonna's Body Sublime Workout Book". You too can look fit, stringy and packed with muscle with the "singer's" 4-hour-a-day-workout plan. 2)"The John Cleese Book of String". A complete history of twine, string and rope from the ex-funny ex-Python. 3)"PUSH!..Huw Edwards' Book of Childbirth". Pain-free advice from the "News at Ten" anchor-man. 4)"Piers Morgan is a Cult". Second week in c...
1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
1. Willie Watson, on April 13th, 1864, became the first person to fly across the Mississippi River after a freak cannonball incident that stunned both the Union & Confederate Armies that day. 2. Some rhesus monkeys can have sex up to ten times a day if the female of the species is wearing fishnet stockings. 3. Passing gas while standing at the top of Mount Everest can break both ass chee...
1) "Ghostwriter". Jordan's latest pot-boiler takes us deep into the size-zero (brain) world of modelling. 2) "Darwin? Schmarwin". This thought-provoking tome asks the question; "If natural selection really occurs, how come mankind is probably more stupid now than at any time in it's history?". With free beard. 3) "Lewis Hamilton's Monaco Cookbook". Formula One World Champion multi-millionai...
The comprehensive list of the top ten books for the week ending March 13th 2009. Every one a must buy! 1) "Complete Bus Tickets of the World". Leather-bound deluxe collector's edition with colour photos, this tome is the last word on this fascinating subject, although pricey at £42. 2) "Kerry Katona's book of Motherhood". Wipe-clean version of the indispensible guide for new mums. This year'...
In my article today I list the ten reasons to NEVER trust our prime minister, Gordon Brown. 10. He is Scottish 9. His mouth is askew when he speaks 8. He hates Achmed the Dead Terrorist (who can't resist him?) 7. He lives at No. 10 6. He has wife 5. He enjoys watching Alastair Darling make mistakes, only to make the same ones the next week! 4. He spens more time online than with his wife...
$100 for Snuggie for Senator Byrd. $2,000 for four cases of Beano for Senator McCain if he'll stop saying, "I just blew you a kiss." $200,000 to keep Cindy Sheehan camped outside Bush ranch. $1,000,000 for Jeremiah Wright to shut his yap about America's chickens coming to roost. $150 for new basketball goal set up in White House basement. $20,000 to provide Senator Craig his own pri...
We're all watching our spending lately, so here's some tips on saving cash from The Spoof's money expert. 1. Save on your water bill by not flushing your toilet after every time you use it. Also, don't use it. 2. You can also save water by taking baths instead of showers. Then, when your skin gets all wrinkly, cash in on those "senior discounts." 3. Find out which bars have free food duri...
There's no point in adding tags here because nobody ever reads the Magazine section anyway. Where was I? Oh yes... 10 things to do after logging on to TheSpoof.com: 1:- Go to the fridge for another beer. 2:-Shake your head in bewilderment and wonder to yourself: What the hell is wrong with these people? 3:- Think to yourself - hang on, this is kind of funny. Ish. 4:- Think to...
You thought this was going to be a vegetarian article didn't you? Well, in my opinion, all vegetarians should be shot. With a high calibre gun. So here's a carnivore's guide: 1 - Fillet steak with chips and salad. Cooked medium rare. Get out of that one then veggies. 2 - The humble bacon butty - allegedly the one thing that veggies miss the most. Lovely fresh bread, sizzling bacon.
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