Definition 1: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Definition 2: The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket
Definition 3: A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.
Definition 4:A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.
Definition 5:All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.