This is your favorite anonymous investigative reporter coming at you with a big scoop! We managed to bribe a servant at Trump's New York penthouse to give us the tour of his secret rooms.
The first thing we noticed was a giant picture of Bernie Madoff.
"Mr. Trump worships Bernie Madoff!" the servant said.
"But didn't he get caught?" asked the reporter.
"Yes, but Mr. Trump admires that it took decades!"
We next noticed the number of pictures of Donald with naked women standing with his thumbs up.
"Who takes these pictures?" we asked.
"Oh, Mr. Trump hires a special photographer to take all his trophy shots."
Disgusted, we couldn't continue any further.