My neighbor Jacko Cures a parrot of using profanity

Submitted by Samuel Vargo

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

My neighbor Jacko got a parrot from the animal shelter. These birds go for a good thousand bucks each and Jacko was so pleased that he got his parrot au gratis from the WE CARE Dogs, Cats, Rodents & Snakes Sanctuary that before he drove home he bought not his usual one bottle of Jack Daniels, but three.

When Jacko got home he realized why the bird was given away without charge. Everything it said was profane and it used such nasty language that even Jacko was upset by it all. Now let me explain: Jacko has a horrible mouth himself. He works all night for some guy named Mister X and comes home early in the morning. He changes from his sharkskin suit into a pair of coveralls and bugs all the neighbors, all the time using many 'few choice words,' as they say.

So the day after he got the bird, right after he changed clothes, several of the neighbors formed a group outside his apartment door and confronted Jacko as Jacko was leaving his abode to bug many of them (this has always been a constant on Jacko's daily planner). The other residents came in a large group since they're all little old people. An imposing, menacing figure in the tenements, Jacko's over seven foot tall and is the meanest misfit in the tenements. Hell's bells, his beard's even longer than Phil Robertson's and it's more wiry and wild than Phil's beard, too.

"That bird swore like a drunken steel mill worker all night long," an old lady complained.

"Its language was horrible. And I even use horrible language myself," said an antediluvian curmudgeon.

"I could hear that bird all the way on the top floor," another griped.

Well, Jacko took the parrot to a veterinarian and the vet told him every time the parrot swore, to put the bird in the freezer and let him stay inside for 15 or 20 minutes. This would surely cure John Wayne (Jacko's new name for the stupid feathered beast) of its profanity habit.

So Jacko took John Wayne home and right after they got into the door, John Wayne started on a long tirade filled with filthy words. Jacko threw the bird into the freezer, waited 20 minutes, and took it out of cold storage.

"I'll never swear again," John Wayne promised.

"You ain't gonna' swear no more? Is ya' or are ya' jest makin' false promises?" Jacko asked.

"No. No. No, I promise. No more cuss words," John Wayne said.

"Good. Me and all the other folks 'round hae're don't 'preciate those gutter-spout words you's use," Jacko said.

"Hell, man, all I want to know is what did those two fucking chickens do to get in there and end up like that? At least I got out in time so I didn't end up like their sad asses. And what did that sad-assed, stiff-assed, jackassed, shit-block of a turkey do to wind up like that? That fucking turkey must've really pissed you off! You even cut him in half!" John Wayne shrieked.


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