"Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever"
"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies!"
Girl: I'd like a triple vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream, topped off with a slice of cucumber.
Waiter: Did I hear you right? Did ou say top it off with a slice of cucumber?
Girl: Good heavens, you're right! forget the cucumber - I'm on a diet.
A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. - It's watching what other people eat!
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. - Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.
'I'm in shape.' the missus said, 'Round is a shape.'
The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier!
Always eat in private, if people never see you eat, they'll believe you when you say you have a thyroid problem.
All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Bob" or "Good Luck, Pauline" in coloured icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
The Government has Issued New Guidelines for a Healthy Diet
They advise you to:
1: List your ten favourite foods.
2: List your five favourite drinks.
3: List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls or little trees.
4: List water.
Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.