1)
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or
even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.
2)
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.
When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25 pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy - it was 30 pounds.
The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to
weigh pigs.
The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of
times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.
The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on.
The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig.
The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman!
3)
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas.
The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
4)
A kid walked up to a man wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather
vest, leather chaps, and sneakers.
The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me
from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my
face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through
mesquite and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you
wear sneakers?"
"That's so nobody will think I'm a truck driver."
5)
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that smart alec Tex" said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he ought as soon as he gets back"
"Not Tex" said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted "Audi, partners!"
