Richard Madeley - My Fake Diary

Wednesday, 30 July 2003

I've had a drink tonight. I'm not supposed to drink. Judy doesn't like it. She says I can only manage one shandy and I end up as pissed as a fart. She might be right. I hate her. I want to beat her face until she chokes on her own nose.

Who do those new fangled wankers at Channel Four think they are? "Oooh, you need a haircut Richard, oooh." Let me tell you something, you bitches. I've had my hair cut at Toby's salon for the last 21 years. We're like brothers. Now look at me! Just another boyband lookalike. Wouldn't get this crap at Granada.

Russ Abbott's dog, Jimbo, has been visiting again too. I reversed over him with my Ford Mondeo in 1997 and now he keeps visiting me. I wake up in a cold sweat. Dripping in the stuff. Like a flannel. A wet flannel, obviously. You know, like one that's been dipped in water. No, like one that's been swept away in a big flood. But maybe wetter. You know what I mean, don't you? I hear Russ screaming "Nooooooo!" at the top of his voice. Sigh.

Got to go to Marks and Spencers tomorrow, so I should get back to bed really. Nightypoo's.