Queen Elizabeth II - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 26 January 2012

To be quite frank, I find it rather amusing I am the QUEEN after doing shit for anybody. Hell, if anything, I've only done anything to disrupt Prince Harry's relationship with his wife, I think her name was Dora Explorer. Either that or I've been treating myself to watching too many kid's cartoons.
I've been having too many nude catfights with Harry's...oops, I did it again, William's wife...It was her fault, she beat me in Scrabble and so she should pay the bloody consequences. From being a porn addict in the 1980's, I remembered some of my catfight skills. Of course, the b*tch deserved an arrow to the knee. I look outside and Prince Albert is having sex with George Bush.
I walk outside and join in the threesome. Fuck, I love sex. Albert hasn't been able to give me any since the day I made a prank call to the Premature Ejaculation hotline under his name. I laughed my bloody ass off and the motionless dick didn't laugh. Needs to get a sense of humour, I say!
This morning, I tried on Albert's hip hop clothing, full with the bling-bling and shit. I walked into the dining room and tried to make a joke which resulted in my arrest.
In court, the judge was staring at my tits. I know he fancied me so I had some dirty chat with him and he let me off the hook. Fuck, he copped a good root after. I even took off my special lingerie that's never left my boobies since Albert's "call" in the 1990's. I guess I'm just that disgusting. I have no choice anyway, my shower is broken anyway and I'm not spending my hard-earned $500 to fix up a fucking shower when I can just not have one.
I travelled to China in my private jet. Well, not intentionally, the stupid shitty engine popped off and we had to make an emergency landing. I had to steal a motorbike and it was then when I realised, right, I left my bloody purse in the plane. I belted the guy that did it, mind you.
I come home to find the Royal Family having sex with each other. Might as well just say 'Sexual Family' after that dreadful experience. Well, it was dreadful because I popped a loud one after everyone shut up when I walked in. Bloody embarrassing.
To top it off, my water broke and I realised, yep, that bastard Harry got me pregnant. Of course, Harry and Pipa split. The fun never ends in this dysfunctional household, hey? Or should I say, aye bro? I'm getting there slowly.
Well that is all for now. And YES Albert, after waiting your turn, you may use the computer to watch porn! (The loser doesn't know I'm right there and available for a good root).