David Cameron - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 30 April 2011

Dear diary
This week has got to be one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Everything I say is often so distorted by the media that I cannot understand who's running the Country. Is it me or is it them? I am having to face all kinds of difficult problems which are not made easy by Darling Nicholas Clegg.

It's a good job I had Tony Blair as an example to use our brilliant armed forces to invade Iraq and Aff..Afgh..Countries. I have always believed that our services are second to none and that's why I have decided to cut them in half - we don't need all this surplus gear and we can save billions of pounds. That is why I jumped at the chance of a little bit of NATO action by helping the rebels fight Gadaffi - it does give him a chance to use some of the weapons we have sold him in the past. It really annoys me when the media misconstrue some of the pledges that I have made - take, for instance when I said there will be no troops on the ground in Lybia, I do not consider army Officers to be troops and so I am not breaking a promise.

This week in parliament I had a major battle myself about the NHS and especially with Angela Eagle who is virgin on the menopausal who was screaming in my ear the only way to shut her up was to day to her "calm down dear!" What else could I do ?

However, yesterday was a day of rest and relaxation because me and the wife were invited to Westminster Abbey to the big wedding we still could not evade the paparazzi and they were very quick to pick up on the point that my wife was not wearing a hat. BIG DEAL! I would like to say to them that we live in a BIG SOCIETY and the real fact of the matter is that as we were on our way, she actually gave her hat to some poor soul on benefits.Nevertheless, it was great the to see that Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were not invited but I was, so there!!!!

I am very touched to see that with me and Nick Clegg running the Country democracy has never worked so well !