David Cameron - My Fake Diary

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

3rd January 2011:
It has been a long time since a new year has been marked with so little hope, so little enthusiasm, and so much VAT (I've raised it to 20% last Tuesday, with a promise that it will come down again ever, ha ha ha That'll knock the benefit scrounging scum).

I'm sure 2011 will be a momentous year for me and my party, as soon as we get rid of Cleggies shower.

4th January 2011:
I expect the unemployed figure to top the three billion mark soon, of course that will only be the official figure.

Got many letters this morning. One from George Osborne from his £125,000 Skiing holiday, asking me to keep an eye on his shares and investment port-folio while he's away. It reminded me of our days at Eton, and the Millionaire Club days, when we made plans of how to rule the country while making ourselves very rich and powerful at the same time - I didn't really think we would make it so soon or easy, but Brownie becoming premier helped us, and of course Cleggies and his mob of losers being so easy to bribe.

The UBS Swiss bank chairman Ule Muchdoe sent me a statement on my investments, had to asked one of the servants to read it, so many noughts confuse me.

A begging letter from a 63 year old unemployed turd from Nottingham got through the filtering system somehow, something about him having to live on £103 a week, utter crap, no one could do that. Must remember to sack whichever proletariat burke in the office let that one get to me.

Prince William gets married in April, and wanted my blessings.

5th January 2011:
I read that Tony Blair is getting even richer now, I must get Cleggy to ask him how he does it, he might be as rich as I am.

I'm considering asking Cleggy if he would like to be our representave on the next Space Shuttle flioght.

High Street stores Next, and HMV have had bad Christmas results, and between them are to close 144 stores - why I've been told I don't know, they should have forwarded such news to Osborne on the pist.

I read that a Daily Mirror columnist claims that "Strikes, riots, some poor young copper with his head split open, some innocent protestor with blood in his eyes - these will become depressingly familiar sights in 2011", "There have never been so many unemployed - and without hope of finding employment - since Thatcher was raving in her bunker", and "Nobody knows how badly the cuts of the ConDem coalition will rip at the fabric of our society, or if the example of rioting students will be followed by the unemployed".

What's he on about, what's the problem?

6th January 2011:
It is not as easy as I thought running this hell-hole of a country, how can they expect me to manage my investments, look after my family, take holidays, have my manicures, control the bribe cover-ups, avoid paying taxes, do all the picture inopportune, and manipulate my dominance over Cleggies shower - as well as being concerned about the voters? Crazy, it's not on, the cabinet will have to do more.

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