Chuck Norris - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The day started like any other day, I guess. A couple of wild chickens stopped by my back door to drop off a few eggs, my pig hacked off his left leg this time and ground me up some fresh morning sausage, and my newspaper delivery guy dropped off my lifetime complimentary subscription and offered to pay my gas bill too.

The weather channel said that there would be rain in the forcast this morning except over my house or anywhere I might be traveling, and in financial news the world markets were on a downturn, but even though it always seems to be a bit of a shock to me personally, the "Norris" group of mutual funds never seems to go anywhere but up. I'm not sure what motivates my brokers, but they always seem to make sure I'm a happy man.

Following a late morning workout on the Super Gym, and some practice on breaking a few hundred cinder blocks, I thought a trip to Burger King sounded good. They always seem to clear a path to the counter when I come in, not sure why, and I tell them what I want on my Whopper. The young lad at the register always seems to be sweating when responding "Have it your way, Mr. Norris". They've been saying that to me for years, which they told me was the basis for a string of commercials back in the 80's. "Have it your way?", that's the way it should be. I get my Whopper the right way, and everybody has a good day. Still not sure why everybody behond the counter disappears after they hand me my tray. I always seem to eat alone. Maybe it was because of that time I had a bit of a cold, sneezed and blew the walls down, I can't be sure.

Still not sure I want to run for president in the Chuck Norris party. That all seems to be self serving, some way to make a name for myself. I don't need the recognition or the headaches. They tell me I would run unopposed, whatever that means, but I like my life the way it is. Everybody seems to be nice to me. Even the police officers in town gave me a special pass to park my truck wherever I wanted. Two weeks ago I acidentally parked in front of a fire hydrant, where there happened to be a fire. I apologized to the Fire Chief, but he said, "That's OK, we'll just let it burn". Really nice people here in this town.

This afternoon I drove out to the back of the ranch but one of the bulls was blocking the narrow road. I went out to give him a little pat on the rump but accidentally launched him into the next county. He was a good bull too, but I sometimes don't know my own strength. Maybe he'll make better hamburger.

Ah well, another full day in Chuck Norrisville about over, I should get ready for bed. No need to brush my choppers, the film and the plaque never seem willing or able to stick to my teeth. The evening news highlighted another great day in our town with no unexpected deaths, "Because Chuck Norris allowed them to live". Those jokers, always cracking wise and goofing around on the local newscast. I'll have to pay them a visit tomorrow.