Barack Obama - My Fake Diary

Monday, 8 June 2009

Dear Diary, Well dang it if I ain't back flying round the world again! I said to Dick: 'Listen, can't you let me stay in America and run the nation for a bit?', but he just laughed, and told me not to hurry back. So here I am again, making a fool of myself once more.

Given that America has never won a war on its own in modern times, it's embarrassing to do my 'mightiest country in the world' routine, let's face it, if Saudis or Israelis, or probably the Leeward islands, want free tanks and jets we'll send them straight to them, it's almost as if the USA is just being used by the rest of the world.

But if I put on my 'Presidential' voice, and look all important and whatever, the people back home will believe the USA is 'the mightiest country in the world', not even a child would fall for that outside of America. The British and Europeans sent the very people that CAN'T fight wars to America, hardly likely to be mighty at anything, can't even win at sports and have to change all the rules. Jeez, I'm getting disillusioned with America ...

As for being sent abroad all the time, it's almost as if I have no real power, and am just a token doing what I'm told to do. When Dick told me what my schedule would be, I said: 'Please, sir, why do I have to go back to the Middle East?', and he replied 'Because you have to hand over millions of dollars' worth of arms to Saudi Arabia, and then go and do the same for the Israelis. At least you won't need any suntan cream there, ha ha ha ha.' That Cheney is a cruel man, Diary, I had a little cry to myself after that racist remark.

But I started a-wonderin', what is the 'mightiest country in the world' doing sending its leader to give free weapons to tiny countries like Saudi Arabia and Israel? And why haven't the USA managed to win wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Then I realised something - if the 'mighty' USA tried to fight a war against a REAL tough nation, like Spain or Britain, it would be wiped out in three and a half minutes.

Heck, not too good for the ego, best keep quiet about that and make another pompous speech on TV, to hint that a harmless, 3rd World dump like Iraq is really a powerful, military nation - the British despised the place so much they invented Iraq by drawing a few lines on an atlas in London, didn't even bother to go there! Man, wish Americans could win wars and create empires that last for 500 years.

Wish Americans could win wars. Wish I was American. Starting to wish I wasn't, at least Kenyans make respected warriors, it's become embarrassing how hopeless Americans are at fighting wars. Oh well, at least Americans have a colored piece of cloth to look up to. Nothing much else to look up to nowadays, though ...


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